Cruz came out swinging this year at CPAC; he hit the podium with the Holy Spirit burning like white phosphorous through what little remains inside of his mostly empty head. He began with a resounding “God bless CPAC,” for which I shout, “can I get an amen?”
oon’t everyone shout at once now.
Cruz revealed that he’s got a vision for the future, and that future America involves texting and Ronald Reagan’s corpse.
He continued, noting that the room was “full of patriots” and that “America is in jeopardy.” Why is American in jeopardy? Because they’ll never get conservative voters if its not. It’s been in jeopardy for the last . . . oh, I don’t know. Anyone keeping track what the threat of the day is today? America is besieged by so many threats: ISIS, Immigrants, Ebola, Muslims, Liberals, Socialists, Satanists, Communists, Ferguson Protesters, White Walkers, Mordor, Gargamel . . . I sometimes wonder how they can keep track of all these threats, and then I remember that they don’t. The just make them up as they need them.
According to Cruz:
The men and women of CPAC are going to play a fundamental decision in how we turn this country around. The men and women gathered here today are going to play a critical role in reigniting the miracle of America. How do we do that? How do we win? How do we bring back the miracle that is America? Number one: We reassemble the Reagan coalition.
“We must gather the Fragments of the American Constitution in Exile to reassemble the Super Sentai President Team, the Reagan Coalition!” They’re all going to fight over who gets to be Ronald Reagan, while poor Chris Christie gets to cry in the corner because nobody ever remembers who Howard Taft is.
He also had to rally the base, taking the obligatory swing at Clinton:
Hillary Clinton embodies the corruption of Washington. We need to run a populist campaign standing for hard-working men and women. We need to take the power out of Washington and bring it back to the American people. Now how do you differentiate — there are lots of terrific candidates. 2016 looks like it’s going to be a crowded race.
And I’m loving every second of it already. Remember what happened the last time the GOP had a crowded field?
Cruz offered some tips for digging up Reagan’s corpse, by the way:
- “Actions speak far, far louder than words. We need to look to people who walk the walk and don’t just talk the talk.”
And what walk and talk might that be?
- “If you are really a conservative, you will have been in the trenches, you will bear the scars, you will have been fighting the fights.”
And if you’re not a “real conservative,” you spend on day trolling liberal forums. Or is that “walking the walk?”
- “Obamacare is a train wreck, and that’s actually not fair to train wrecks.”
Get used to this, we’ll be hearing this one a million more times in the future. What’s that about an alternative? It’s called dying, you dirty communist! That’s how we do things in this Great Country; just like fetuses are pre-born, you’re a pre-corpse, and we don’t offer corpses human rights, now do we (unless they’re Ronald Reagan or Jesus)?
Finally, if you want
up on the GOP 2016 Train Wreck to be involved Cruz’ “grassroots army,” you can “Take out your cell phone and text the word CONSTITUTION.” Just make sure you’re not doing it from an Obamaphone, as you might cause a divide by zero error.
[h/t Mother Jones]