They call it “The TEA-Journalism Challenge, Level 7.” Open a thesaurus. Write five minutes of material about Teabaggers, anything they do, or anything they’ve done. Don’t use any synonym for the words “stupid,” “selfish,” “ignorant,” “corrupt,” “greedy,” “bigoted” or “selfish.” Go ahead…try it sometime. It’s like trying to speak or write without using the letter “i.” John Stewart and his writers recently gave it a shot, throwing literally every Scrabble-ready insult in the book at the GOP.
During his coverage of “Shutstorm 2013: America Sits on Its Balls,” Stewart threw out a couple of dozen gems, culled from previous experience and a 3-inch binder with a big elephant on the front. Previously used insults included:
“Fartknockers; Teenage mutant ninja fartknockers; Babies; Babies who eat their own poop; Babies who eat their own poop, then poop out that poop, then hold it up in the air and yell “YOU AGAIN!” Then eat it that poop; Taintsniff McGillicutties.”
Stewart then apologized, stating that after the Republican Shutdown, he may have been “way too easy on them.” He then went on to show a clip of Republicans complaining about how the shutdown affected not the poor, not the furloughed Federal employees, but…themselves.
“Rest assured that these” consults book “bald eagle fellaters had other things on their minds.”
Rep. Mike Simpson complained about Yosemite Park being shut down, denying this valuable vacation destination to people who can still afford vacations. Rep. Tim Walberg complained about eVerify, which checks for immigration status and work eligibility, being shut down. He then took issue with the Panda-cam at the zoo not working.
Well, yes, Wahlberg — no relation to Marky Mark. Our good vibrations didn’t stop with the 800,000 to 2 million federal employees who won’t get paid. the people who won’t make their rent, car payments or feed their kids. Nope…we don’t care about babies not getting formula because WIC shut down. Nope. We care about our vacation to Yosimite, not accidentally hiring Mexicans and the fn PANDACAM.
After additional footage of Republicans — including John Boehner, whom many Republicans directly blame for the shutdown — denying that they were in any way responsible for this train wreck, placing blame for the shutdown directly on Democrats. Stewart broke out the big insult guns.
“Bulls**t! (cough) When did the “big government Democrats” become the “no government democrats?” You…(consults book) self-righteous Orwellian Zebra Queefs?”
He then went into detail on the memo that the Republicans circulated months ago — signed by 80 congresspeople — specifically engineering a shutdown if their demands weren’t met. Not that they didn’t have the chance; the next footage shows a meeting from years ago, where they had the chance to resolve exactly this issue. Stewart breaks out the big book again to deliver
“…you…inflexible, Golden-age-of-America-that-never-happened fetishizing…zebra queefs…”
“I can’t tell if these are dumb, or think WE are.”
After another short segment with Little Orphan John Oliver, the two concluded that they think WE were the dumb ones. Which is hard to argue, especially after John Oliver compared congress’ incumbency rates to approval ratings. After which it was concluded that this congress is the “Time-Warner Cable of democracy.”
And they’re also…electorally invincible zebra queefs.