The Republican bid for president has become the Special Olympics of politics. It’s unlikely we’ll see another Republican president in the next 12 to 20 years…if ever again, at this point. But just like the Special Olympics, winning isn’t necessarily the point; the big money is in the fame of running, and the campaign dollars that go with it. Losing a presidential (even vice-presidential) race these days makes any Republican a qualified author and Fox News correspondent. And in the dying days of the GOP, everyone’s looking ahead to that next gig. In the Special Olympics, everyone gets a trophy.
In this segment , Bill Maher helps potential donors decide which Republican to throw their money away on. And the “Billionaire’s Buyers Guide to the 2016 Election” may be just what aging libertarian money lords need to decide, since practically every conservative ever to cash a Koch check seems to be running. And even Maher’s fantastic segment, as ridiculous as it is covering no less than nine different candidates falls short by a full 25 percent.
With the hilarious factionalization of the ever-shrinking Republican Party, the list of potential candidates reads like a menu at a Starbucks. Sure, they’re all basically the same over-priced and over-hyped mixture of corporate-approved crap — but with a few tiny variations in flavor and mocha/caramel coloring, each one comes off a custom-made specialty for discerning buyers. According to the most recent aggregate polling data, the menu for the 2016 primaries is as follows:
- Jeb Bush — 17 percent
- Chris Christie — 11.2 percent
- Paul Ryan — 10 percent
- Rand Paul — 8.6 percent
- Mike Huckabee — 8 percent
- Ben Carson — 8 percent
- Scott Walker — 8 percent
- Ted Cruz — 5.5 percent
- Marco Rubio — 4.5 percent
- Rick Perry — 4.3 percent
- Bobby Jindal — 2.8 percent
- John Kasich — 2.5 percent
Yes, that’s a dozen different flavors of Christian conservative males…and a few of them aren’t even white! There’s a fat one, two brown ones, a Canadian hispanic, one failed VP, a failed presidential candidate, a failed president’s brother, and a pseudo-intellectual who never met a college student he couldn’t plagiarise.
But either way, it’s all but certain that Hillary is a lock for 2016; she’s favored by practically all Democrats, and leads the next closest contenders (Jeb Bush, Rand Paul and Chris Christie) by a massive 13 percent each in national polls. Everyone else is lower still. With high democratic voter turnout during presidential years, combined with the fact that Republicans only took congress 17-16 percent in the zombie vote of 2014…there’s little doubt that even now all dozen of these Republicans are vying for First Loser. And their numbers, along with those of congressional Republicans, will probably only sink lower over the next two years.
Still, though…the sludge that oozed down from Canada will probably put on a good show against the brain-damaged surgeon and Magic Mittens Romney. And besides, the Special Olympics aren’t about winning…everyone gets a trophy, just for participating.