Specialization…it’s the heart of evolution. Biologically, “specialization” refers to an animal adapting to get better and better suited to live in a particular environment. One particular place, at one exact moment, like small twigs branching out from a larger tree limb. And normally, that works pretty well…as long as the environment doesn’t change too much. When that happens, excess specialization can become a creature’s Achilles Heel. Point is: Democrats, it may be time to get back to your roots. Your racist, cracker-white roots.
Actually, no, it really isn’t. But Bill Maher makes a pretty good case for it, and even has some words of advice for Candidate Blue to recapture the Dixiecrat vote. Sure, we might have lost it in 1964 to George Wallace, and then the Republicans; but hypothetically, here’s what it would take to get back to the Land of Cotton, to salvage these midterms by appealing to the only group of people who vote during mid-terms.
We could think of it as…de-evolution. It’s safer that way.
“You hear a lot about the Republicans’ inability to talk to minorities. But what about the Converse? Have Democrats lost the ability to talk to Whitey? The election is 18 days away, and Democratic candidates are about as popular as a Liberian travel agent.
Tip No. 1: Talk a lot — a LOT — about the importance of hard work. White people eat that sh*t UP. Because they think that they’re the only people who do work hard, and that they’re carrying all the people who just collect welfare and complain.
Reinforce this notion, then give a Bill Cosby-like speech where you tell black people to ‘pull up their pants!’ and then if elected you’ll appoint a Belt Czar.
Say something about how ‘Dads are important.’ If a reporter asks you what you think about the melting ice caps, say ‘That’s a good question, and it comes down to Dads. Because they’re the ones who have to tell kids that they can’t all grow up to be rappers and ‘ballers.
See, without ever mentioning race specifically, you can use code words to make white people think it. Phrases like ‘culture of dependency,’ ‘personal responsibility’ and of course ‘violence in elevators.’
Tip No. 2: SMALL BUSINESSES. You don’t just support them, you’re not just for them…you LOVE them! You wish you could F*CK small businesses! There are two thoughts that never leave white peoples’ minds. ‘When’s lunch?’ and then ‘Someday, I’m going to tell my dick-for-brains boss to shove it, and then I’m going to start my own small businesses.’ Do not screw with the imaginary small business in Whitey’s head.
And finally, Tip No. 3, dealing with foreign policy: Talk more like John Wayne. Don’t say you’re ‘Seriously concerned about Vladimir Putin.’ Say he’s a ‘third-rate thug with lifeless doll eyes, and if he wants a war with America then MAKE MY DAY, B*TCH!’
Remember, we’re not just the World’s Policeman…we’re the World’s Ferguson Missouri Policemen. And any foreign strategy aside from ‘Nobody move or the girl gets it!’ is appeasement.