Ms. Betty Bowers, America’s best Christian, de facto the world’s best Christian, has a little bit of a bone to pick with all the misguided prayer going on in the world. Naturally, she’s come prepared with another YouTube video to show every Christian how rubbish the strength of their faith is, and guide them on how to up their game and win the favor of Jesus.
If you’re not convinced that Ms. Betty Bowers has the keys to the pearly gates clasped tightly between her remarkably manicured hands, then take a minute to go through her “Dos and Dont’s” of prayer and see for yourself just how right she is.
- Always cast a spell with the incantation “Amen” – It’s like “abracadabra”, only Christian
- Keep your hands together, otherwise God will think you’re just asking yourself for stuff
- Always order from stock, you never want to give God an excuse to have to create something from scratch
- Make him think it was His idea, otherwise He’ll realize that every prayer is a just way of saying the divine plan He created for you is flawed and shockingly stingy
- Make a showy public spectacle of praying no matter what anyone says, especially Jesus. He once rudely remarked that the only people who pray in public are hypocrites, to which America responded “rubbish!”
- Don’t be vulgar and pray thanks to God for sparing you after a natural disaster. It’s like sending a thank you note to a serial killer for stabbing the family next door
- Try not thinking too hard about what you’re doing. After all, an omniscient God already knows what you’re going to say, making prayer the Universe’s most popular placebo
- Never pray drunk, or angry, because according to scripture Jesus will automatically say yes to whatever crazy thing you ask for (like not answering the prayers of other people)
- Never step on His sandals by asking Him to do what any compassionate and competent God would have already done: like feeding his children
And what’s the one thing that Betty Bowers knows will ensure that every prayer you ever make gets heard and answered in a timely fashion? Watch the video below, and find out for yourself. Glory!