America’s native holidays are much like America itself: Built on pagan beliefs in Judeo-Christian trappings, essentially pointless but for the value ascribed to them by contemporaries, but held dear to the generations who grew up with them. Like much of the rest of America’s history, Thanksgiving is also a matter of perspective: If you’re a WASP, it’s a time to set aside differences, and come together to celebrate the love and unity of family and friends. If you’re a Native American…well, who cares? You don’t get an opinion here unless you own land. Suckers.
Of course, WASP Queen and America’s Best Christian Betty Bowers sees thanksgiving for what it really is: A time to ask God for stuff of her own, to smite her enemies and to give something to poor people or something if there’s any cans of creamed corn left.
Now, some might be a bit insulted by Landover Baptist Church alumni Betty Bowers and her prayer. Some might even say she can hardly lay claim to the title of “America’s Best Christian” — what with her being Canadian and all. Some might even claim that America’s REAL Best Christian is now, and always has been, Ted Cruz.
All satire aside, though, regardless of any mythical, historical or religious trappings, we should never forget one thing on our day of thanks for family, friends and love: Thanksgiving is now and always has been about…carb-loading for Black Friday.