Laaaydeeees and GeeYENTLEmen!!! WELcome to tonight’s…Worrld Wrestling Fed-DUHHH-ration SHOWDOWN!! coming to you LIVE fuh-rum
(pause for Welcome to the Jungle)
Thank you, thank you, ladies and Gentlemen…we’ve got a really special treat for you tonight. a TRULY SPECIAL matchup between two incredible opponents. Tonight’s Title Fight, as you can see, is in beautiful San Antonio, in the VERY MIDST of the prestigious open-carry gun rally “Come and Take it San Antonio!”
For this very special, pay-per-view event, we’ve convinced the city of San Antonio to let us honor Texas’ long, proud history, by breaking with tradition and using the Alamo for a political prop. And WHY?? Because the Alamo is now run by Land Office commissioner Jerry Patterson, who, it gives us GREAT pleasure to announce…is running for Lieutenant Governor of Texas!
Even the POLICE don’t seem to mind! Despite a city ordinance banning firearms from city parks during a rally, the police (ALL ON THEIR OWN!) decided to stand UP for freedom, and ignore the law they were being paid to enforce. Did they have a signed waiver from the mayor? A permit? Anything?
Hell, NO…this is San An-to-nee-OH!
And now…our warriors…
In THIS corner, weighing in at 245 pounds, hailing from Dallas, Texas…he’s the Profitaster of Disaster, the Bilderberg Badass, the false-flag-waving, freedom fighting free-market phantom of fear…
And his opponent, weighing 245 pounds, hailing from Dallas Texas…it’s the shadow that quacks in the night, it’s the lizard man we fight…it’s the Naughty Illuminati…
That’s right, folks! The Very Special Matchup will be between none other than Alex Jones, and The PEOPLE IN ALEX JONES’ MIND!!! Let’s let Mr. Jones speak for himself. Alex?
“Folks, I had to come down here to tell you today, that the police officers that are here, the Homeland Security officers that are here, all of them…YOU are going to be ENSLAVED by this system. YOU will be targeted FIRST when the Globalists actually take over.”
That’s AMAZING, Alex. Just one question…when you say “the police and the Homeland security that are here,” are you talking about the people who aren’t enforcing the firearms ban in a public park, so you can have your rally? Or do you mean that the police and the DHS and ALL OF YOU HERE! are ALREADY slaves to the system, and that’s why they’re violating an ordinance without City Council approval on the say-so of the would-be politician running the Land Office. Is THAT the kind of AUTOCRATIC RULE you’re talking about, Alex?
For God’s sake…tell us! When are we getting enslaved? Have we already??
“We will take our rights back in San Antonio. We will take our rights back in Austin. We will take our rights back in Chicago. We will take our rights back in Beijing. We will take our rights back in Mexico City. We will take our rights back in Australia, England and everywhere else…because there IS a world-WIDE awakening that is happening.”
Wait…wait, Alex. First, that didn’t exactly answer the question. But second…what rights are Texans taking back in Australia, England and Beijing? And who is “we?” Because if the people who live there wanted whatever rights you’re going to come take for them, wouldn’t they have them already? You know that The Second Amendment isn’t the Second Commandment, right? I mean, it really only applies in America. It sounds almost like your “taking back” is more of a “take over.” I’m not really sure this is a good idea. What do we need to do here?
“We MUST. HANG. TOGETHER. And retake Texas, and then the Republic.”
“Because the Globalists know the world is waking up to them, so they are accelerating a program to take over.”
HOLY SHIT!!! What program? Are they coming after US?
“They are persecuting gun owners EVERYWHERE. We are a persecuted group. Because the Globalists know that we are the seed of political understanding that will sweep away the SEEDS OF TYRANNY. And that’s why they’re coming after US.”
Oh my God…I get it now. Gun owners are persecuted, Christians are persecuted. You can’t be a Christian unless you own a gun. It all makes so much SENSE now. But, honestly…I sort of feel like there’s a non-shooting way of dealing with this situation. Like, reforming our elections and means of installing and controlling representatives to eliminate monetary corruption and relegate the merchant/corporate class to the bottom of the social ladder below farmers and prostitutes where they used to be in most successful civilizations, thus repositioning the good of our nation and its people as its own primary concern over the profits or particular comforts of the extremely rich? Could we, like, do that instead of have a war?
“If it’s a war they want, it’s a war they’ll GET.“
Annnd…Alex Jones goes down for the count.
The Winnah, and STILL CHAMPEEEEN…
THE PEOPLE IN ALEX JONES’ HEAD!!!!!
And so, that about wraps up our coverage of WWF Alamo Edition. We hope you enjoyed the show.
And remember: visit Alex Jones’ website to stockpile gold and silver to survive the coming apocalypse, take Test-O-Boost steroid alternative to fight the Lizard Men. You think they’re going to screw with THIS guy?
(Vote Jerry Patterson!)