The ridiculous hilarity here is so multi-layered, this might as well be the first 1 minute and 42 seconds of “Being E.W. Jackson.” We’ve always known that teabaggers worship power, but the Republican nominee for Lieutenant Governor of Virginia takes it to a whole new level.
Addressing (naturally) a group composed of 100 percent Caucasian conservatives, Uncle Tom Jackson might as well be nailed to a cross on the deck of an aircraft carrier with a “Mission Accomplished” sign waving on the flight control tower. Because not only is he declaring that the painful abortion that is the Tea Party “victorious,” he asserts that it was created by God.
Now, if you worship power…then yes, it certainly was created by God. Two gods actually, in the Earthly manifestations of David and Charles Koch. And of course God(s) won, because it’s not like you can admit failure when you worship power…that would undermine your Gods’ omnipotence.
Before we take it point-by-point, first, the video:
“In 2008, the year of an election…my church went on a 40 day fast leading up to it, because we knew we were in grave danger. The election didn’t come out quite the way we wanted it to, but GAWD heard the prayers of his people all over this country. And as a result of that, Americans all over this nation began to stand up.”
Uhhh…you do know what “fast” means, right? But, regardless…no, it probably really wasn’t because God heard “the prayers of people all over this nation.” It had a lot more to do with Koch-funded PACs designed to push through legislation for the Keystone XL pipeline that would make them $100 Billion, and Rupert Murdoch slumming for ratings among his home demographic…you know, the people who used to watch Married: With Children before it got cancelled. But, yeah…it was totally prayers.
“People think that the Tea Party is a bunch of angry, forgive me, white folks…NO…”
And all the minorities in the room say…silence.
“The Tea Party is a move to stir this nation back to its conscience, and back to its senses.”
Which obviously includes endorsing you for lieutenant governor. Judson Phillips, president of the Tea Party Nation, said back in May that “E.W. Jackson represents the future of the conservative movement,” and that Jackson “represents a threat to the Left.” Uhhh…no. Trust us…nobody’s worried because Don Yelton’s got one black friend who appeals to other homophobic black people. But…you were declaring victory?
“I remember walking out of what I hoped would be a victory party…and saying ‘God, we prayed, Lord, but we didn’t win.’ And you know what God said to me? ‘You’ve won. You’ve won.'”
Well, yes. Because that’s God’s standard answer when prayers don’t get answered…because they don’t. At least, not according to our Deist (not theist) Founding Fathers. According to them, God makes the universe, and then tells you to deal with it yourself. He doesn’t directly intercede, or answer prayers. But, sorry…that’s beside the point. So, how DID God “answer” your prayers, ye modern incarnation of our George Washington? After initially struggling to find an answer, Jackson settled on this
cop out epiphany:
“And then I realized what it meant. It meant that maybe the BEST THING that’s ever happened to this country is the election of the last president, because he has awakened a sleeping giant, and I trust that now that we are awake, we will never go back to sleep again.”
Yeah, it is kind of hard to sleep after making all those clearly meth-fueled signs.
So, there you have it.
- God (in the form of the Kochs) created the Tea Party.
- E.W. Jackson says so.
- The Tea Party supports E.W. Jackson.
…and everybody’s into the circular masturbation game but Buddha. And that’s a good thing, because in the masturbation circle, something lands on everybody. And you’ve clearly got enough problems with God as it is.