HomeHumorThe Reviews are in: Sarah Palin’s ‘War on Christmas’ Book is a Total FAIL!

The Reviews are in: Sarah Palin’s ‘War on Christmas’ Book is a Total FAIL!

Sarah Palin has resurrected the “War on Christmas” non-issue for the 97th time, and written a book about it! Bargain Bin Barbie’s literary genius has taken the world by storm!

Amazon users have been very vocal about their love of Palin’s hate-filled screeds against well…anyone who is not a rich, white Christian–so vocal, in fact, that Sarah gets a gold star from most reviewers! One star is good, right?

Palin’s divisive diatribes manage to enthrall…stupid people, and no one else, according to the mostly negative reviews of this tome of absurdity. Of course, this half-term half-wit will likely be pleased that every reviewer gave her at least one star–because she’s too stupid to understand how Amazon’s review system works.

Even the Five-star reviews are hilarious!

For your viewing pleasure, we have collected our favorite reviews of Sarah Palin’s masterpiece, Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas!

12-1-2013 9-53-50 PM

“Finally! At long last someone has said what has needed to be said. One brave soul has trumpeted it from the rooftops. Forget about the Iraq War with their hundreds of thousands of innocents dead. Remove your mind from worrisome drone strikes hitting children and families in Afghanistan. Our returning soldiers–battered, maimed, wounded in every human way possible, and now, most likely jobless, could not have returned from a more glorious conflict than the War on Christmas. This annual melee, swift on the heels of the Satanic orgy of demon-worship and candy corn that is Halloween, should be front and center on the radar of every God-loving, red-blooded American. While women line up for their holiday abortions and those godless gays don their stylish gay apparel, Mrs. Palin has reminded us that the fight for Christmas is the fight for our very souls. As the Pilgrims exchanged gifts with the Indians, as Paul Revere rode up and down that night to warn us of the British plans to take our guns and Christmas trees, and as Ronald Reagan reminded the Soviets when he said, “Mr. Gorbachev, it’s ‘Merry Christmas!”, so we must take a stand against the liberazis who intend to topple the entire edifice of Western Civilization through their insistence on wishing one and all a “Happy Holiday.” Being a Christian nation, the celebration of the Divine Child born in Bethlehem that cold, snowy night is the cornerstone of our republic and our society–certainly not the anti-family liberal aggrandizement of unwed teenage mothers or families with two dads. In concise, two-syllable words and plenty of illustrations, Mrs. Palin calls us to battle, Constitution in hand, Bible in the other, and the Declaration of Independence in the other against the forces that would steal our Christmases and in doing so, return to the greater, snow-white America that we love. Mrs. Palin, I doff my tri-cornered hat to you and humbly lay my godless degrees in Bible, history, and theology at your Alaskan feet!” –Joel Cruz

12-1-2013 11-01-41 PM

It’s my favorite time of year again! It comes earlier every year and grows in strength every time. Is it Thanksgiving? No. Christmas? Closer.

It’s the War on Christmas, that festive time of year when we reflect on the true meaning of making sure other people know there is a war against Christmas.

What would you say is the greatest threat to the greatest of holidays Jesus gave to us? Is it over-commercialisation, which Charlie Brown was complaining about back in the ’60s? Or the fact that Christmas shopping next year will start just after St. Patrick’s Day? Or just the general un-Christmas like behavior of people fighting for parking spaces and hot new toys at the mall while ignoring their families at home?

If you answered any of the above three, you’re probably one of those godless liberals who need this book. No my friend, the answer of course is those atheists, bah-humbuging this joyous time for all of us and trying to take it back to the Roman Saturnalia, where men would give each other gifts, drink and fornicate with each other. Wouldn’t those sodomites forcing equal marriage on us love that?

Sarah Palin, truly the voice of our grandparent’s generation, bravely sets out to right this wrong. Christmas isn’t about sharing the holiday quietly with your family. It’s about shoving it down the throats of people who don’t believe (or don’t believe hard enough), and creating animosity and fear so we get rid of those people stopping us from spreading a holiday about peace and good will to all men.

This is a book necessary for this day and age, not just a cheap cash-in that can be rolled out every holiday until consistency=tradition. I will share this book with my loved years every year, and keep it prominently on my shelf right next to my copy of Ayn Rand’s It’s a Wonderful Life, where Mr. Potter is praised for his cleverness, and Clarence lets George kill himself for creating a culture of dependency.” –Kevin “scandaloususer01″

12-1-2013 9-54-35 PM

“I had a dream that instructed me to follow a star in the night sky to purchase this book. I don’t usually buy books because the nearest book shop is miles from my trailer park. Buying it on Amazon was super convenient, and I could do it from the office of my trailer park. The book was just as I had dreamed it would be. It was a clarion call for people like me, with more tattoos than teeth, to fight to protect Christmas. It’s not just a holiday for getting drunk and overspending at Walmart, it is a celebration of our little lord Jesus and his gift to humanity. Speaking of gifts…I didn’t even know Sarah Palin could write…but boy can she ever. Some of the sentences were really hard to read but mostly she is careful to avoid big words, and this makes it easier to read. I am sending this to all my family who won’t be able to join me for Christmas. Just because they have limited books at their prison library doesn’t mean my family (who are all Sarah Palin fans) shouldn’t have the chance to read her powerful words. I will say it was a bit tiring to read it because there are a lot of pages and my mouth got tired from sounding out all the words, but don’t give up. I also want to mention, that when libruls say Sister Sarah is a low information shrieky howler monkey with all the subtlety of a jackhammer on a hangover in August, they are lie-telling. Get this book for all the inmates in your family.” –Clive Hazell

12-1-2013 10-02-38 PM

“Finally after millennia of trying to get to the crux of our human condition, a mind of ultimate wisdom powered by a voice of persuasive eloquence brings us the single greatest work to come out of the Western tradition. When you were sleep-walking through school and wondering what was the point of all those hard books — why read Aristotle, why read Sartre, why read Shakespeare? Well, here is the answer. All of those lesser lights were preparing us for this. My only regret is that I have now experienced the highest point of my intellectual life without having prepared myself adequately for it. I will need to revisit the entire Western canon and re-read and re-imagine each classic in light of this truly greatest of classics. What the name “Einstein” meant for the 20th Century as an icon for ultimate intelligence, the name “Palin” will mean for this and for every succeeding century as the ultimate in human achievement. I thank God that I walk the earth in the same era as this greatest of the great. The Palin Era is upon us.” –Arken

12-1-2013 12-43-07 PM

“We can’t let the tyrant-in-chief ruin our Christmas, we must reload patriot drill baby drill founding-fathers avocado more guns Alaska evil liberals you betcha wink wink slavery amen Jesus Benghazi.” — E.A. Zanagar

So, AATTPers, scratch THAT one off your gift list!

About John Prager

John Prager
John Prager is an unfortunate Liberal soul who lives uncomfortably in the middle of a Conservative hellscape and likes to refer to himself as an "island of reason in a sea of insanity." While he is not a fan of politicians, period, he has developed a deep-seated hatred for the bigotry, fear mongering, and lies of the Right Wing. John also works as a counselor at one of Barry Soetoro's FEMA re-education camps and as a HAARP weather control coordinator. John's life's aspiration is to rule the world with an iron fist, or find that sock he's been looking for. John can be reached at [email protected] if you have any questions or comments.
  • http://kellyjdrummer.wordpress.com kellyjdrummer

    I find it rather ironic that a “Christian” such as Sarah is posing with Santa Claus, the absolute opposite of what she claims Christmas is about, and smiling like it is what she should be doing. This is no slightly intelligent woman.

  • Nancy

    There is no way I will actually *buy* this book, as I don’t want to contribute in any way to Palin or the teabaggers thinking it is successful. But I have *GOT* to figure out how to read it or at least major portions of it, as it sounds hysterical.

    • Norman Balint

      Typical liberal, wants something, but wants someone else to pay for it.

      • http://kellyjdrummer.wordpress.com kellyjdrummer

        Oh man, call me a liberal. Please, oh please?

        I wouldn’t spend a cent on her “ruminations” either, but it sounds as though you would so you can become informed, correct? Did I guess that correctly? Oh please say ‘yes.’

      • https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000907279043 John Baker

        Typical teabilly. Doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about, but insists on talking anyway.

    • http://gravatar.com/31forever 31forever

      Just wait. It will be hitting a Dollar Tree near you ….. oh, about January 15th, give or take two weeks…..

  • John Zaffino

    Please…… why are we giving her any credit at all? She can barely put a coherent sentence together. She must have had someone else, perhaps a high school graduate, write it for her.

  • https://www.facebook.com/amy.black.14418 Amy Black

    You know what’sfunny and sad about this article “bargain bin barbie” if you saw a conservative use that against a liberal woman, you would be raging, and rightfully so. Regardless of Palin’s intellect or political leanings, using sexist insults is not okay, not in any case, ever.

    • Felonius Monkey


      • http://www.facebook.com/evilliberalagenda John Prager

        Any time I insult a woman when it is deserved, someone is bound to call me a sexist without thinking that a similar insult would be leveled at a man. It’s something I have just learned to accept. Oddly, “Stupid Spice” does not elicit that reaction.

        Sometimes, the heart overwhelms one’s ability to assess a situation logically.

        Amy, you’re barking up the wrong tree with the sexism thing.

    • Ansor Fordyce

      But you can criticize a man, and it’s not sexist, right Amy?

      • Sarah

        She’s right. It’s the word “Barbie” that makes the remark sexist, because Barbie dolls are the epitome of gender stereotyping and making women feel uncomfortable about themselves. To call someone “Barbie,” unless you’re remarking on how pretty they are, is just like calling them a bimbo. Insulting someone and being sexist are different things. As much as I dislike Palin, I agree: Sexism is never okay.

    • http://kellyjdrummer.wordpress.com kellyjdrummer

      Amy said, “if you saw a conservative use that against a liberal woman, you would be raging.” No, I would be laughing. It would undoubtedly be sarcasm. Got a dictionary? Look it up. Der, der, der, der.

  • https://www.facebook.com/lynn.weyts Lynn Weyts

    Someone should remind her that the experts all agree on the fact that Jesus was probably NOT born in December anyway!
    And who the heck gives their wife CORDS OF FIREWOOD for Christmas?!

    • http://kellyjdrummer.wordpress.com kellyjdrummer

      Correct. I have been led to understand that October was the month. Another interesting fact is that Christmas was named so, long after it actually “became” a holiday. Originally named X’temmas. But, Sarah doesn’t research anything so that got past her.

  • https://www.facebook.com/flibberdy.gibbet Flibberdy Gibbet

    Well hell now I gotta buy a copy of the book JUST so I can quote it. YOU KNOW it’s gotta be good for another decade of zingers…

  • Father Guido

    Ah, sister Sarah… the woman whose potty mouth has backed up and overflowed!

  • neverfollow

    Anyone who would waste their money or time on a book by the reality- challenged Ms P deserves the resulting migraines they will suffer.

  • Andy

    Actually you need to read some of the 5 star reviews, they are truly hysterical.

    • http://www.facebook.com/evilliberalagenda John Prager

      Thanks for the suggestion. Completely changed which ones I included. You rule, Andy!

  • psyko tek

    bet the fucker is a best seller

  • joebbz2

    Who ,exactly is her market? These “books” are all the same , and her base ,well , its not that they can’t read but they don’t read. And I’m pretty sure the more educated aligned with her cause(?) won’t bother buying her book. The lady can barely form a sentence . I’m talking ,subject, verb, object, then there is the problem with the sentence making sense.

    • https://www.facebook.com/flibberdy.gibbet Flibberdy Gibbet

      hahaha IKR why the fuck would anyone with half a brain write for a demographic of folks who don’t FUCKING READ??

      • https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000907279043 John Baker

        We aren’t talking about someone with even half a brain. We’re talking about Sarah Palin.

  • Gray Hunter

    The BEST thing is…even the 5 star reviews are satire!!!!! Jesus! Everybody hates it!

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