HomeEconomic IssuesThe 5 REAL Reasons Republicans Want To Shut Down The Government

The 5 REAL Reasons Republicans Want To Shut Down The Government

Republicans hate government. Well, unless they’re the ones running everything of course. Then they’re like kids in a free candy store. One of their favorite bits of political theater is shutting down the entire government. Because nothing says “we care about every day Americans” like shutting down the government agencies we depend on to keep our lives running smoothly. Who cares how hard they make life for everyone who needs to interact with their government? They have an ideological point to make, after all!

It seems the GOP is at it again. Yesterday in the Senate, Republicans killed a transportation spending bill. With only one member of the red team voting for it, the bill died under threat of filibuster, and the House’s transportation bill died a similar death. This is just the latest in a slew of attempts to get some kind of spending and tax bill through Congress to avoid  shutdown of the government due to lack of funding. It’s becoming apparent that rather than compromise, Republicans would rather go into August with no spending and tax deals on the table, leading some to wonder if indeed a government shutdown is on the way.

But why would Republicans want to embrace such a tactic — one that will do nothing to repair their image as being the worst congressional body in decades? They’re stubborn ideologues, that’s why. However, I’ve been doing some deep cogitation, and I think there may be 5 other reasons why Congressional Republicans want to shut the government down, and here they are.,

#5. Mitch McConnell’s Summer Block Party
mcconnell aattp

Little does anyone outside of the GOP know, but The Shelled One as he’s called among his Republican peers, is quite the party host. Every summer McConnell invites every Republican member of Congress to his house for a massive block party. Last year John Boehner got so drunk he looked exactly the same as he always does! It’s such a carnival atmosphere! There’s the “Draw a Beard on the Beard” game featuring Marcus Bachmann, a roller coaster designed by libertarian Rand Paul — so there are no safety implements and you cannot sue if you die on the ride (free market, bitches!). Shutting down the government means they can all sit back and enjoy Mitch’s shindig in comfort.

#4. Ted Cruz Is Due For An Oil Change
Ted Cruz

Being the Republicans’ smarmiest of snake oil salesman means going through a lot a of grease and oil. Even though he’s only been in Washington a little over six months, Senator Cruz has spewed plenty of his toxic sludge. He’s voted against the Violence Against Act, he’s tried to filibuster every bill brought to the Senate floor that didn’t have a blatantly pro-right-wing agenda, and he’s managed to anger even members of his own party with just how disrespectful he is of anyone who isn’t named Senator Ted Cruz. Teddy’s hoping the government shut down will give him enough time to go back home to Texas and get filled-up on premium petroleum so he can come back to Washington and slip and slide around awhile longer.

#3. They’re In The Middle of A Crazy-Long Monopoly Game
republican monopoly

Of course Republicans love Monopoly. It involves their two favorite things — money, and forcing people into the poorhouse. (Fictitious) Secret documents (not) found have revealed that Trent “Vagina Controller” Franks, Louie “Asparagus” Gohmert, and Eric “Beaker From The Muppets” Cantor have been locked in a long-running game of Monopoly since late 2011, and that’s why they’ve managed to not do anything, holding up their end of the bargain…the bargain of course being that Congressional Republicans will do nothing but write anti-abortion laws and faux-peal Obamacare.

#2. It’s Their Birthday Gift For Grover Norquist

Grover Norquist is the bearded little imp who has held our Congressional Republicans hostage with his idiotic tax pledge that he makes them all sign when they take office. Because you know — nothing says loyalty to your oath of office like taking a non-binding, citizens’ pledge to never, ever compromise on one of the most important subjects that Congress tackles every day of the year. This year, Republicans wanted to give him the gift he’s always wanted — a wholly non-functioning U.S. government. Imagine the tent in his trousers when Norquist awakes that morning, opens the paper, and sees he’s finally succeeded in drowning the government in the bath?

#1. They Are Clueless and Have No Idea of History
GOP Cockroach

Perhaps unsurprisingly, today’s Congressional Republicans seem to be forgetting that they’ve tried to shut down the government before. In 1995 and 1996 the Republican-controlled Congress and then-President Bill Clinton had a similar budget showdown and the government shut its doors to non-essential services. At first, Clinton took a huge hit in the opinion polls, but later saw the highest ratings of his career, as it became obvious to the American public that the shutdown was all down to former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich’s temper tantrum over how he thought he was being treated by Clinton. The blow-back was severe for the GOP and it cost them the presidential election in 1996 as well as control of the House in 1998. Clearly they have no idea that the cards are all stacked up and it appears the same situation is in the offing now.


About James Schlarmann

James is in his thirties and gets really passionately angry about politics. Sometimes that anger foments into diatribes, and sometimes those diatribes are comical. Other times, they are not. For more of James's work check out his blog, ThePoliticalGarbageChute.com.
  • jake dryer

    I’m democrat. And think it’s the republicans fault for the shutdown. But this website is half the reason this shit happens. This is just as far left as being in the tea party. Idiots

  • Travis

    Small fact-check here, Democrats didn’t take control of the House in 1998, they gained 5 seats in a huge upset, when Dems were supposed to lose something like 30 seats because of the Lewinsky scandal.

  • http://twitter.com/go2boat4winds Billbow (@go2boat4winds)

    I guess the Teapublicans are about to start planning to make Hillary a one term president too.

  • https://www.facebook.com/marc.wilks.14 Marc Wilks

    The GOP is NOT trying to shut down the government. What they are doing is trying to defund Obamacare. They would be willing to fund the rest of the government with the exception of the nightmare that is Obamacare

    • Bob Cull

      No, Marc, that is NOT all that they want! They have made it plain from the day he took office that they don’t care if they have to completely destroy this country as long as Obama gets no credit for having achieved anything. They don’t care about anything other than ensuring that history records his administration as the worst in history.

      The major problem with their plan is that being as anti education as they are they don’t realize that most people are smart enough to see that none of these failures is the fault of the President, it is on them and only them and history will show that. The failure that history will record is THEIR failure to do their job and govern this country as it was meant to be governed, through compromise.

    • Edward

      Keep telling yourself that, Marc. You’re only fooling yourself!

  • liam

    To the gop since you want/need to shut down the government PLEAS DO IT IN 2014 AND 2016 OR ARE YOU JUST THE USELESS P**SIES THAT I KNOW YOU ARE.

  • Michael Kirchmann

    Not since Alice in Wonderland has there been a more insane and idiotic Tea Party than the one we now have in the U.S.

  • Craig

    One slight correction…in 1998 the GOP lost seats in the house, but did retain control. At the time this was attributed to public backlash against the Clinton impeachment/sex scandal/witch hunt.

  • Goody

    “Last year John Boehner got so drunk he looked exactly the same as he always does!” haha that one made me laugh.

  • Steve

    You should make gop cockroach stickers! I need some! I can think of all kinds of fun places to stick them!

    • Mike Simmons

      I’d put them on my bumper! Bunch of do nothin’ idiots and morons. Each one of them must be voted out at first chance!!!! It is imperative to the health of the US.

  • RichardR

    I think there’s a simpler reason that they want to shut the government down. It’s because all 1-percenters, corporations, gun-nuts and evangelicals have in common is that they’re all, first and foremost, bullies with no inherent power over anything.

    This “government shutdown” initiative is just a derivative of the same argument they use when you ask them how they’re going to win a civil war against a military with laserguided hellfire spacedrones. “Well, they can only use them if they’ve got pilots, and ground crews, yada, yada.” How’s your AR-15 going to defend you against soldiers with tanks and missiles? “Well, there has to be soldiers willing to fight and drive the tanks.”

    The whole thought pattern is “I can win as long as nobody fights back.” They’re just bullies, and they know the only real power they have is through intimidation. That goes for all of them from Ted Nugentman, all the way up to the Koch Brothers and their 1-percenter buddies. As much power as they’d like us to think they have, they’re paper tigers compared to the power of the people. They’re all swagger and no balls, and they don’t have a bit of power that we haven’t LET them have. And they know it damned good and well.

    So…yeah, America! You bunch of weaklings…behold my awesome corporate power and my machine gun! I can kick your ass in ANY fight, AND condemn you to Hell! Here…just drink a little bit of this cyanide Kool Aid first…

  • Bob Cull

    Gee, it’s hard to believe that they want to shut the government down, I just got an email this morning from my Congressman (a proud Teapub, yep, I live in a strong conservative area) who told me that he and his fellows have been hard at work and very busy over the last month, “doing the work of the people.”

    After I stopped laughing and cleared the tears of laughter from my eyes, I wondered what this work he spoke of might be and then I remembered. They have run their 39th and 40th attempts to repeal the ACA in the last month. They have removed food stamps from the farm bill. They have continued their 4 and a half year campaign to smear the President with phony scandals and they have basically announced their intention to shut the government down, all in the last month. They have indeed been busy little beavers.

    Too bad none of that was actually doing the work of the people!

    • Amy

      You forgot their attempts to label America a Christian nation and remove all reproductive rights for women.

    • steve

      I asked my congressman (robert hunt) why he was wasting tax payer money on repealing the Affordable Care Act, and I was surprised (not) that he has not responded. Gee, I call that good representation (not).

    • RichardR

      Lol…Hell. I say give them what they’re asking for. If any senator tries to shut the government down, I say we immediately pull all Federal backing to his state. Bet Rand “$1.51-to-1″ Paul and Texas would change their tunes in about five minutes.

      • Bob Cull

        That would likely work with Rand Paul, Richard, he is a finger in the wind kind of guy, echoing the beliefs of whatever group whose favor he is trying to curry at the moment. When it comes to people like Tail Gunner Ted Cruz or Loopy Louis Gohmert, I’m not so sure. Loopy Louis isn’t very smart and Tail Gunner, like his namesake is so convinced of his own infallibility and so arrogant that I would be surprised if anything would sway him.

        • RichardR

          You’re probably right. But then again, I imagine starving, homeless people rioting outside of his house and throwing flaming bottles through his windows might slightly negate his fervor. By the way, this is probably a dumb question, but…why DO they call him that? I never really got the reference.

          • Bob Cull

            I think it was just one of those things that happened everywhere at once. I know that the first time I called him Tail Gunner I had never heard anyone else do it, I did it because a lot of his rhetoric and actions reminded me of Tail Gunner Joe McCarthy and apparently others saw the same characteristics because the next thing I knew everyone was calling him that. Like Joe, Ted has NO shame.

    • Richard

      Well said. They have spent the last 4 1/2 years doing exactly that. With the addition of having a singular goal of making the president a one term president.

    • james

      if the amount of money they spent trying to repeal the aca that many times they could have easily funded a program people could really use instead the fiscal guardians kept spending it on frivilous and very petty projects which dont change a thing and waste alot of peoples time.

      • Bob Cull

        You’re absolutely right, James, but it sure does pump up their base of mouth breathing knuckle walkers!

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