In the Olympic Dunciad between the Eastern and Western religions vying to prove which one appeals to the largest number of imbeciles, an Auguste Sufi holy man took wing yesterday to out-dumb the drunken rattlesnake “charmers” that speak in ‘tongues’ while juggling angry pit vipers. You might be asking yourself, ‘but what, pray tell could be more idiotic than Rattlesnake Juggling?’
When considering what a Sufi holy man does, think Joel Osteen, in a beard and doing magic. Sabir was PM’d by the big guy in the sky to inform him that he could do miracles. Being the go-getter that he is, Safir decided his first trick would be to raise a guy from the dead. Since nobody ever dies of anything in Pakistan, the only logical way to test this would be to kill someone first then breathe the spice melange into Muhammed Niaz before rigor mortis set in. Sabir announced to his flock that patient zero of the zombie apocalypse had to be male and married with at least 5 children, because mysterious ways.
The Sufism caliphate is derived from the cousin/son-in-law of the Prophet Muhamed whose progenic family tree resembles a telephone pole. Imagine that they are the 7th Day Adventists who married the Scientologist son of Warren Jeffs with guano for brains and armed with the weapons grade Ebola-stupid.
Muhammed Niaz heard bearded magic Joel Olsteen’s call for a miracle-making volunteer, “I have 6 children Habibi!” Sabir pointed to him saying, ‘Potato!’ Niaz worked in a local factory to support his family that exceeded the divinely requested and completely not arbitrary number of offspring.
What doesn’t sound good about being the Lazarus of the Sufis? Just that pesky detail about being David Koresh for a bit but Sabir would quickly breathe his magic breath into him before he had time to round 1st base with one of the 72 virgins.
The crowd was as eager to see the Lazarus miracle as a NASCAR fan is to see 4 hours of left turns! In a twist, surprising to no one, Sabir failed to revive Niaz after slitting his throat. The crowd of people that allowed this nonsense to happen in the first place had a moment of clarity and foiled Sabir’s escape attempt.
He currently awaits trial in a special cell that he is unable to miracle himself out of.