If you’ve been cowering in fear over the hordes of Central American children assaulting our borders, let us set your fevered mind at rest (Fox viewers): Texas Governor Rick Perry and Fox “News” blowhard Sean Hannity have the southern border crisis under control. And our intrepid duo is locked, loaded, and ready! That’s right, y’all. And we’ve got the video footage and photos to prove it.
On July 10, Perry and Hannity bravely flew in a helicopter to the banks of the Rio Grande, where the heavily-armed border patrol cruises the river in special, high horse-power boats that can penetrate even the reedy, inches-deep shallows in search of their quarry. Our confederacy of dunces then donned baseball caps, and black, bullet-proof life vests (or maybe they’re just life vests) for their hunting expedition.
[Skip the writing and go straight to Perry and Hannity’s
border crisis buddy movie or their crisis on the border photo tour.]
Once on the boat, Perry commented that the border patrol “do an incredible job.” To which Hannity obsequiously noted, “You know them all by name.”
Then Perry cuts to the chase, he wants to militarize our southern border because that would supposedly keep all those horrible brown-skinned people out.
“They[Border Patrol]’re just good people who want to be up here making a difference, but, philosophically, the administration has historically had them back 40-to-50 miles in the apprehension business.
Well, I’m interested in the prevention business. We ought to be stopping people from crossing that border, not apprehending them after they get in.”
Perry also claimed that before his Air Force One meeting with Barack Obama, the president “didn’t know any better” but is now “totally on board” with those who “are sending that message, all the way down to Central America, don’t send your kids, don’t come up here, because the border is secure. It is shut down.”
Um, that seems rather dubious as a take-away, but since when have conservatives ever cared about facts?
Speaking of facts, Perry and Hannity ignore some very basic ones. As long as our “War on Drugs” ravages Central America’s communities and economies, while U.S. employers exploit people’s desperation for cheap labor, immigrants — and their coyotes — will find a way to get in. They also refuse to acknowledge that we need to treat the current wave of child immigrants as refugees from a humanitarian crisis, not as workers seeking jobs. ‘
Failing to help these children would also mean we’ve refused to learn a bitter lesson from our nation’s history. In 1939, we shamed ourselves by turning away the MS St. Louis, a ship full of Jewish refugees fleeing persecution in Europe. By doing so, we doomed at least one quarter of them to prolonged torture and death in Nazi concentration camps.
And besides, without immigrants from Central America, who would we “real” Americans have to blame for the lack of well-paying jobs?
Hannity and Perry star in their own border crisis buddy movie.
Watch Sean Hannity and Rick Perry heroically brave all sorts of non-existent dangers while patrolling the border along the Rio Grande river in their rugged, manly, matching outfits.
Take Hannity’s and Perry’s 11-photo crisis-on-the-border tour!
In case you missed the video tour, Hannity also posted lots of photos to his Twitter feed. Considering what a self-promoting, methane-fueled windbag Hannity usually is, his tweets show a remarkable economy of words that would do Ernest Hemingway proud. Since AATTP — like all liberal publications except for UpchuckWorthy — runs on a shoe string, we’ve taken up screenwriting to boost revenues. Here’s the summary for our first effort:
“Border Patrol” – the ultimate buddy adventure, starring two small-hearted, middle-aged white guys who aren’t terribly bright. But what they lack in brains and compassion, they make up for in their hankering for guns, politics, and adventure. Watch them cruise the treacherous Rio Grande in a heavily-armed boat in search of marauding grape pickers, dishwashers, and small children. In between taking random pot-shots at drug mules and watching the fun as bags of cocaine explode in their digestive tracts, the hilarious, odd-ball plot unfolds.
1. The teaser: Hannity announces his upcoming interview with Perry looking all bespectacled and smart and sh*t. But don’t let appearances deceive you. He’s still a total idiot.
2. The obligatory Obama shaming. Look! Sean Hannity is brave enough to visit the border, but our president, of course, isn’t! Maybe that has something to do with the fact that Hannity is so puffed up with hot methane gas, any one who attacks him will die in the resulting explosion.
3. On patrol: Never fear! Sean Hannity is here! With the guy who would have to do all the real fighting.
4. Texas border patrol. But… wait… the boat says Texas Highway Patrol. Now we’re confused. What do they do when they find undocumented immigrants? Hand out parking tickets?
5. Guns on boats. Whoa, those look like bullets to us, but they’re so huge and scary, we’re actually relieved that we can’t see the guns. Speaking of which… Is that a bullet in your magazine, or are you just glad to see us?
6. On the boat. Guns on boats. On the boat. On the boat with guns and stoats?
7. Perry and Hannity: Here’s the photo we plan to use for all the promotions before the first movie screening. Aren’t they quite the dashing pair? We feel safer already.
8. America’s heroes: Well, when you’re with a bunch of heavily-armed men on a tiny boat, you’d better do a little sucking up.
9. Earlier in the day… There’s nothing these right-wingers love more than associating themselves with people in dangerous professions — like law enforcement, emergency responders, and military personnel — while refusing to ever take up these professions themselves.
10. New boots for Hannity! We wish someone had slipped a rattlesnake or scorpion in there.
11. Oh crap, there’s more?
h/t Daily Kos.
More from AATTP on the border crisis.
- Tea Partier Claims U.S. Border Designed by God, Not White Genocidal Illegal Immigrants
- Glenn Beck Receives Death Threats From His Own Disciples Over Self-Aggrandizing Border Stunt (Video and Images)
- Here Are Twenty of the Most Heart-Wrenching Pictures from the GOP-Created Humanitarian Border Crisis (Images)
- WATCH: 39 Seconds After Showing Obama’s Request for More Border Security, Fox Claims Obama Didn’t
- Sarah Palin Pens Deranged Word Salad Calling For Obama’s Impeachment Over Republican Border Crisis
- Attention GOP/Tea Party Racist Idiots: The Border Crisis is Bush’s Fault!
- Rick Perry Lies: Obama ‘Doesn’t Particularly Care Whether Border is Secure’ (Video)
- Racist Immigrant-Haters Brawl with Supporters on US-Mexico Border (Video)