NOTE: Before anything else, achtung und vorsicht: No, this isn’t some seventh-level irony thing from a weird East German nightclub. It isn’t a meta reflection on the commercialization of genocide, or dadaist commentary on the duplicitous nature of physical beauty. It’s exactly what it sounds like: A Russian Nazi Beauty Pageant.
The Russian internet is one of the fastest-growing frontiers in the media market. As of right now, only about 59 percent of Russians have internet access, compared to 82 in America and 92 in Canada. It’s only been fairly recently that post-War Games computing power has reached the trackless wastes behind Russia’s rusting Iron Curtain…and maybe it should have stayed that way.
Russia’s equivalent of Facebook knowns as VKontakte has lately been playing host to a…unique…kind of contest. On VKontakte’s Adolf Hitler fanpage (yes, it does — or did — exist), die schon frauen of Russia’s fascist community were asked to send in their best beauty shots featuring Third Reich memorabilia and regalia. Or, just being Aryan…that’s close enough.
The best-voted frau among the approximately 7,000-strong community would win the regal title of Dame Nazi, “Miss Ostland 2014.” The name comes from the Reichkommissariat Ostland, the Nazi-occupied (and later Soviet occupied) Baltic territory where over a million Jews were put to death. About half of them were local Jewish minorities.
But, hey! We’re not here to talk about all that depressing genocide stuff.
Back to Russia’s Nazi hotties!
First prize for winning the Miss Hitler crown, aside from an eternal seat in Hell’s own Mercedes limosine, is a rope necklace from The Magic Shop, featuring such beautiful charms as birdies and Hindu good-luck symbols. Second prize is a stunning swastika pendant, and third prize is a legitimate set-piece…a calendar from the set of the television info-drama Vikings. Which we’d imagine probably does have kind of a Fourth Reich fanbase.
Unfortunately…it looks like nobody’s winning anything now. After news of the Miss Hitler pageant went out, VKontakt’s admins suspended the Hitler fanpage for “extremism” and “promoting violence.”
Because, dammit, nobody corners Vladimir Putin’s market on promoting violent extremism!
Still, though, some pretty ladies (and even one Nazi baby) managed to slip past the nets of der schweinehund Kommunists, and into Das Vaterland of our hearts. While none of these blue-eyed beauties will ever take her international crown, The Internet Never Forgets.
And we will never forget Russia’s Miss Hitler 2014 pageant…or the Uberfrauen it brought us.
Caption on photo above, far left: ““In my opinion the position of Adolf Hitler in relation to Untermensch genius and true, because the races differ not only in appearance but also in intelligence.”
Und ein sehr HONORABLE MENTION
Meine Walkure, Broomhilda!
(PS: You’re probably wondering why we posted a link up to where the Hitler fanpage should have been on VKontakt, knowing it had already been shut down. No reason, really. Maybe just to make the point that Russia’s as good as it ever was at ripping off designs from more innovative American companies. Yeah, that’s right at you, Entire Russian Aircraft Industry. Looking forward to seeing your fellow scam artists China stealing your Su-27 supercruise engines for its own F-22 ripoff, the “Mighty Dragon,” and selling it to Ukraine at 75 percent off. See how you like that, you thieving sack of bastards. )