Nearing the end of Bush’s final term in office, every political comedian in the country got the same question: What will you do for material when Dubya is gone? And then, like a dream of Lenny Bruce, Sarah Palin showed up to teach us all the meaning of “comedy gold.” Or, at least define the phrase “word salad.” Normally though, Sarah manages to limp through at least a few talking points, pandering references to “local things,” and lip services to veterans while making only the occasional contextual gaffe. Credit the miracle of teleprompters for that. But, what happens when the teleprompter breaks down? In short: THIS.
“This” was a speech given at the “Iowa Freedom Summit,” a neo-conservative shindig tag-lined “Getting America Back on Track,” and hosted by Congressman Steve King and Citizens United. Yes, that Citizen’s United. The Citizens United party featured as speakers most of the dozen or so people who think they’re running for president on the Republican ticket next year, including Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, Chris Christie, Mike Huckabee, Scott Walker, Rick Perry and Ben Carson. Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich also made appearances as people who once thought they were getting the Oval Office, and even Rick Santorum delivered one frothy head of a speech.
But despite Santorum’s eponymous claim to fame, it was Sarah’s speech that contained the most epic mixture social lubricant and logic-free sh*t. For half an hour, Sarah tongue-tossed a word salad that would make Robin Williams’ ghost cringe on two pounds of cocaine; more grammatically disconnected than Jack Kerouac’s dream journal, with more non-sequiters than Hunter S. Thompson’s heroin cabinet, and more local pandering than Huey Lewis’ Heart of Rock ‘N Roll, Sarah’s speech in one fell swoop completely exhausted one writer’s entire store of pop culture references.
Here’s the video. Watch if you dare, though we’d strongly suggest waiting until this evening to do so. You won’t make it through sober, and getting wasted before 6:00 p.m. is the top of a slippery slope.
It was here that we were introduced to Chris. And you know why this movie is breaking records all across this great nation, it’s because America needs a hero again. And Chris Kyle has been that man, and screw the left in Hollywood who can’t understand what it is we see in someone like Chris Kyle and all of our vets.
Yeah, you Hollywood liberal scum — how DARE you only nominate American Sniper for six Oscars? Sarah then went on to talk about the picture of her son Trig standing on the family dog:
“Well, it was just scandalous that I would show our big, strapping, as I say healthy lab letting my [high pitch voice] little, tiny boy use her as a stepping stool to get to reach the kitchen sink. He kinda stood on her and looked down into the sink, I took a picture, and I said hey this is what turning a stumbling block into a stepping stone is all about.”
Wait; earlier in the speech Sarah pandered locals by praising the Iowa trained dog — now he’s a stumbling block? Or is Trig’s autism a stepping stone now? And did you know PETA put a price on Sarah’s head?
“PETA barking their tired old death threats against us, and I’m thinkin’ oh get in line. Weasels, you know. Yeah! That their howlin’, howlin’ through the press that, you know, cruelty to animals, Sarah Palin, uh, which, [resuming high pitch voice] which surprised me considering what it does that Joni does to those poor, defenseless, really great tastin’ Iowa hogs.”
So…Joni chops off pigs’ testicles before she eats them, and an Indonesian child (Obama) ate dog one time, so let’s stand on the family pet for a cutesy photo op? She also makes reference to the dog as being “big and strapping,” and her son being a “tiny child” — which is a bit odd, since the two are clearly about the same weight.
But apparently Trig isn’t the only one with slightly malfunctioning language centers; check out this old-school grammatical throwback. Old-school, as in caveman.
“And of course Congressman Steve King, my goodness, Steve very strong. He goin’ rogue” (book plug, GO!) “there in D.C., putting principle over party privilege by being one of the brave, one of the few to actually pull the lever for change in congressional leadership so we can have new energy, and we can have that serve the movement — the policies that will get the country back on the right track, he voted for that change.”
Try comprehending this one about Obama without reading twice:
“Because they know that he who was the one, now, with tee-time on the mind, he is so over it.”
Or this one:
“And how will they ax Obamacare when it started as Hillarycare? When will they let us control our own care?”
Actually, technically, Obamacare started out as the blatantly corporatist Heritage Foundation Care in 1989, and became Dolecare and Romneycare. Libertarians first proposed the ACA as an alternative to single-payer, which was under discussion at the time. But the Heritage Foundation called single-payer socialist, and then waited 15 years to call its own plan exactly the same thing. But, as little sense as that makes, this makes even less:
“Now, the press asks [holds up TIME Magazine] the press asks can anyone stop Hillary? This is to forego a conclusion, right?”
Uhh…no. On so, so many levels. As is this:
“Really it’s kinda’ Orwellian observing how that works that rule of Saul Alinsky’s no doubt that the left employs, disgusting charges from the left that reverse ‘em.”
Saul Aulinsky communist socialist Muslim! Wait. Observing things is Orwellian? So, allowing our eyes to glaze over while reading this would be…Socratic?
Look at the conservative governors. They’re accountable. They administer, they have these results all across the U.S. in conservative governors’ offices, the results can’t be argued…So we paint the contrast with bold colors, and we don’t underestimate the wisdom of the people when we on offense give them the truth and the true state of the union, especially showin’ young people what’s actually going on.”
And he’s what’s really going on, in Sarah Palin’s foreign policy:
“What we do, we strengthen our military, we respect our troops, and we let them, our troops, our gatekeepers, we let them tell jihadists, nuh-uh this is our house. Get the hell out!”
So…without respecting our troops, they’re not going to stand on the beach in North Carolina and yell at all those jihadists floating over from Africa? Woo, buddy! ‘MURRICA!
At this point, we probably could just stop. Assuming you took our earlier advice, it’s 6:20 p.m. and you’re probably reading this cross-eyed. But prepare yourself for the knockout (or blackout) blow:
“Things must change for our government. Look at it. It isn’t too big to fail. It’s too big to succeed! It’s too big to succeed, so we can afford no re-treads or nothing will change with the same people and same policies that got us into the status quo. Another Latin word, status quo, and it stands for, ‘Man, the middle-class everyday Americans are really gettin’ taken for a ride.’”
Thunderous applause! Words! Too big to WORDS! Homespun-sounding things to say!
“That’s status quo, and GOP leaders, by the way, y’know the man can only ride ya when your back is bent. So strengthen it. Then the man can’t ride ya, America won’t be taken for a ride, because so much is at stake and we can’t afford politicians playing games like nothing more is at stake than, oh, maybe just the next standing of theirs in the next election.”
Things! To SAY!
Regardless, we we can probably guess at at least one person’s the standing of theirs in the next election. At least, we can if the Twitter response to this speech is any indication:
Yes, especially after this speech, those of us who truly understand Palin (what few there are) remain thankful for the comedic inspiration. If the idea of her having so much influence, or representing such a segment of the population weren’t so horrifying, she’d be a comedy gold mine. So, maybe we’re not in a position to be entirely thankful for the word-salad-tossing that is Sarah Palin’s extemporaneous speaking. Though it probably does settle the argument of where Trig got his ability to communicate. We can be thankful for that.
And thankful, too, is one Mo Elleithee, of the Democratic National Committee. Responding to Caribou Barbie’s speech, Elleithee released a simple, two-word statement: