As we continue debating all the usual hot button issues — racism, women’s rights, police brutality, immigration, LGBT rights, guns, voter IDs, religion, etc. — it grows increasingly clear that they all 6down to one simple thing: Who qualifies as “real Americans” and who doesn’t.
Those who qualify as “real Americans” get to freely exercise the constitutional rights our slave-owning (and slave-owning enabler) Founding Fathers supposedly guaranteed to everyone. The rest of us live in a dodgy gray area where we only have whatever rights right-wingers choose to recognize. And, alas, right-wingers are not quick to recognize any one’s rights, no matter how God-given those rights may be.
This dynamic seems awfully familiar to the Fung Brothers, an Asian-American comedy duo who — after years of suffering through repeated instances of the conversation described below — embarked on a hilarious exploration of 20 things you HAVE to like if you’re a “real” American.
Here’s how way too many of their conversations with “real Americans” start out:
Q: “Hey, where ya from?”
A: “Uh… I’m, like, from Seattle?”
Q: “Come on, where are you REALLY from?”
A: “Oh, you’re talking about the … (hand circles around his face to highlight his Asian features) uhhhhh, yeah
20 things “real Americans” like.
And here’s an easy guide to the 20 things you HAVE to like if you’re a “real American,” with quick summaries, from The Fung Brothers’ hilarious video, “How American Are You?”
20. Football. It’s so American we took the name of another country’s sport, then called the other sport “soccer.”
19. Cheerleaders. They cheer for the football players, and the football players date the cheerleaders. Yay.
18. Drinking games. We’re the only ones who would take a drinking game, and turn it into a drinking sport (Beer Pong).
17. and 16. American flags and bald eagles. You’d better get with the program, because these colors don’t bleed.
15 and 14. Being in public/civil service, or being in the military. And extra American points if you got deployed. Countries don’t really fight wars these days. but America does. A lot.
13. Putting a lot of cheese on everything. Some restaurants would not exist if it were not for putting cheese on everything.
12. High school prom. You take a bunch of high school kids in fancy clothes and a limo and you’re supposed to have a bunch of crazy stories at the end of the night.
11. Thinking that America is the best at everything. And if another country does happen to be better than America at something, we just don’t care about that thing.
10. Owning guns. Locked and loaded. Depending on what state you live in in the United States, you can buy a gun at Walmart.
9. Being really proud of who you are. Because no matter where you come from, America will give you your own reality show.
8. Big cars. Parked in the big parking lots of big stores filled with big people.
7. Beef. Filet mignon? That’s French. 72-inch steak challenge? That’s American.
6. Country music. It’s called country music because they only like it in one country.
5. Being a bad ass. My mother thought being a bad-ass was bad, but everyone at school thought it was good.
4, 3, and 2. Donuts, bagel, pizza. There’s something about circular bread that we love.
1. Knowing your rights as an American. We really promote the fact that you can say anything about anything you want, all the time.
Apparently, if you don’t like any of the above items , you’re in big trouble. Here’s the video:
Alas, merely liking football, buying a large vehicle and some firearms, and enjoying country music — or at least shutting the heck up about how much you hate it — isn’t always enough.
More tips and hints on “being American.”
What’s a “real American?” As it turns out, being white, male, heterosexual, and christian confers huge advantages.