KGB Colonel Vladimir Putin misses the old days — the days when he was a high-ranking official in a feared organization known for terror, oppression and torture, in a nation feared for its ability to wipe out life on Earth at will. Colonel Putin likes being feared; but then again, so has every other theocratic monarch in Russian history.
In fact, you’d be hard-pressed to find a time in Russian history going back at least as far as Ivan the Terrible during which terror and oppression weren’t a Russian leaders’ go-to strategies for maintaining power.
So, KGB colonel Putin isn’t exactly setting any new precedents these day, especially not since his more recent swing toward right-wing religious ultra-nationalism. It’s becoming increasing clear now that New Ivan wants his empire back, and he’s willing to send as many troops and as much armor into the Ukraine as necessary to do so.
That decision has drawn criticism from the EU and NATO that Putin was effectively launching a full-scale invasion of the sovereign nation to his south.
Colonel Putin, has superficially denied the allegation. Our own president called that out as an “outright lie” — a lie made all the more transparent with the not-so-thinly-veiled threat that followed. In a display of political rhetoric not seen since the hottest era of the cold war (or any normal day in Texas) New Ivan made his position on the matter pretty clear while addressing a pro-Kremlin youth group gathered for a holiday on the shore of a lake near Moscow.
“Russia is far from being involved in any large-scale conflicts (note). We don’t want that and don’t plan on it. But naturally, we should always be ready to repel any aggression towards Russia.
Russia’s partners…should understand it’s best not to mess with us. Thank God, I think no one is thinking of unleashing a large-scale conflict with Russia. I want to remind you that Russia is one of the leading nuclear powers.”
Now, this may sound like a simple statement of fact, but the underlying tones here are impossible to ignore. Especially when you consider that
- Colonel Putin has been referring to Ukraine as “Novorossiya,” or “New Russia” of late. This was the name given to the region containing the Ukraine after the territory was captured by the Russian Empire circa 1780, and hasn’t been to refer to it since the fall of the Soviet Empire. The not-so-subtle implication here is that Putin has decided Ukraine is Russia’s property again, and he want those listening to start thinking the same way.
- Colonel Putin’s promise to “defend” New Russia against “aggression” — which would obviously include NATO intervention in the territory Col. Putin has decided belongs to him.
- The moment he makes that declaration of ownership official, an “invasion” will become “defense of Russia’s borders,” Ukraine’s current national army will become “terrorist insurgents,” its government “rebels,” and any foreign aid rendered by NATO “aggression against Russia.”
- Even during the height of the Cold War, very few Russian leaders ever made overt mention of Russia’s nuclear arsenal. KGB Colonel Putin’s threat at this point is clear.
“Try to stop me from taking what I want, and I’ll ‘defensively‘ nuke you.” Or to put it another way, as he said at the same conference: He warns foreign states that
“It’s best not to mess with us.”
Ivan the Terrible would approve. So would Texan George Bush, come to think of it.
Make no mistake either; this statement is timed for effect. After having over 2,600 of its citizens killed by invading Russians, Ukraine (former home of the tribal nomadic Kievan Rus, before they moved to establish an independent settlement further north, modern day Russia) is seeking NATO membership to combat Putin’s invading army.
Colonel Putin, well aware that NATO membership would effectively end any designs on Russian conquest, has used the “we’ll nuke you” card to scare NATO away from coming to Ukraine’s aid.
That’s not exactly a threat to the United States directly; if Russia’s nuclear missiles are anything like the rest of it decrepit military, they’ll probably either instantly disintegrate into rust upon contact with oxygen or crash into the ocean. Plus, we have space lasers and all that.
But Russia doesn’t need to launch an overt Judgement Day-style strike to get its way; with nuclear warheads leaving the country in cardboard boxes like so many Chihuahuas from a puppy mill, a single, Putin-armed “Muslim Terrorist” with a cargo van could wipe London or Paris off the map.
Unless, of course, NATO members England and France play ball concerning The Colonel’s designs on New Russia.
Again, note repeated, strategic use of the phrase “large-scale conflicts.” A single nuclear cargo van in Rome would be pretty small-scale, by Soviet standards. Especially when it would almost certainly be the Random Muslim Terrorist Group of the Week delivering Russia’s nuclear payload to the Colosseum.
That’s what makes it small-scale. And conflict? What conflict? It’s only a conflict if the other side can fight back — a single terrorist bomb in a single city is, by definition, not a conflict. Especially when you can deny involvement afterward, and nuke every city in Europe one at a time with nothing more than a few willing tools, a few cargo vans and some gas money.
Last thing, a quick stroll down Memory Lane before bed. Remember, KGB colonel Vladimir Putin won the Tea Party Patriots’ “Freedom Lover of the Year Award” just last year. Part of a fairly longstanding romance with those of similar ideology, evidently. Michelle Bachmann, 11 months ago:
“Between Snowden and Syria, [Vladimir Putin has] really been putting Obama in his place—and if you hate Obama, you must love freedom. I’m happy to pass the torch to Vladimir.”
And the torch hydrogen orange.