What do you do to win the hearts of mindless donors when your ideology is trash, you’re trailing your opponent in donations, and the Republican primary is just weeks away?–why, you ply them with alcohol and guns, of course!
On Friday, June 18 at the Scottsdale Gun Club in Scottsdale, Arizona, former NFL and ASU quarterback Andrew Walter want moderately wealthy and/or enormously stupid donors to come on down for “an evening of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.”
Tickets are available at levels of $250, which earns lucky ammosexuals the chance to shoot a Glock 18 and a box of handgun ammo. If that’s not enough, for $500, donors will also get to shoot the MP5 submachine gun. However, if you’re a true gun fetishist, you can hand over $1,000 and fire off some rounds with the M249 SAW, M4 Carbine, the MP5, AND the Glock. You’ll also be given over 250 rounds of handgun ammo–it’s just like entering a really expensive cheat code into the classic PC game Doom…you know, without all the demons. Excited yet?
Booze and cigars will be provided at a nearby restaurant after everyone is done shootin’. Wouldn’t want to appear irresponsible, would we?
Walter was drafted by the Oakland Raiders in the third round in the 2005 NFL draft. He played a total of fifteen career games, managing to throw a whopping three touchdowns in his entire time in the NFL, with his team losing 7 of nine games in which he was starting quarterback. He has a total of 49 rushing yards, and has never managed to run the ball into the end zone.
Don’t let Walter’s abysmal stats fool you, though. In 2006, he managed to be 4th in the league in times sacked, 7th in sacked yards lost, 13th in fumbles, and 3rd in fumbles recovered–at least he knows how to get the ball back after he drops it.
We foresee a political career for Walter that is just as exciting as the one he enjoyed in the NFL.