You can do a lot with text messages — check your bank balance, vote on American Idol, talk to your mom about why you still don’t dress like a grown-up — but Pat Robertson has added yet another dimension to texting: magic!
On Wednesday’s edition of Robertson’s 700 Club, this bloviating Christo-fascist conspiracy theorist and misinformation peddler seemingly lost his ever-loving mind when he promoted the idea that Jesus has nothing better to do than grant your wishes via text message. In a series of self-congratulatory fictional claims that viewers were healed by his show itself, Robertson celebrated God’s decision to cure a neck injury through a mystical and holy text message.
“Fifteen-year-old Michael of Madison, Alabama, injured his neck playing a game of touch football. An X-ray was taken at the emergency room. There was a really bad sprain, the pain was quite severe and he couldn’t even turn his head. Michael received some physical therapy and muscle relaxers were also prescribed, yet his neck still remained very stiff. Then, last month, his mother was watching The 700 Club when she heard Pat give a Word of Knowledge: ‘There’s a neck muscle that’s been very painful; and you’ve almost had to carry your head at a different angle because of the pain’,” the story goes. “‘Put your hand up there on that neck — in the name of Jesus — healing, right now.’ She quickly texted her son at school with the news. He read the text and claimed the word for himself. Immediately, he was healed!”
“She saw it and they sent a text?” Robertson asked, feigning amazement. But, of course, explained that the healing power of Jesus extends to all things, as he is omnipotent. The charlatan explained that God “can heal cancer, He can heal leukemia, He can heal arthritis, He can heal any condition you’ve got in your body. He made, you he can fix you.”
Afterwards, in the manner of professional “psychics,” Robertson blindly cast out for someone with cancer who would believe that through his ridiculous long-distance faith healing Robertson and his pal Jesus Christ, rather than medicine, cured them. If you’re general enough — someone will fit your description, after all.
Watch this delusional tripe for yourself, below, and ponder if God offers this service on all major carriers: