If there’s one thing that’s true of most Republicans, it’s that sometimes they have really good ideas — almost. Whether it’s a somewhat imperfect healthcare system, or the notion of encouraging job growth, Republicans have a way of snatching defeat from the jaws of intellectual victory by bludgeoning every reasonable idea to death with the club of conservative agenda.
Earlier in 2013, a miracle occurred, as both the Left and Right found themselves equally outraged at the suspension of a 7-year-old Maryland boy named Josh Welch. For those who have been living in a gingerbread cave for the last year, Welch was suspended from school for two days after a teacher spotted him biting a Pop-Tart into a strawberry-centered tool of death, i.e., a gun.
Technically speaking, the principal who suspended Welch was in the right; Zero Tolerance policies at schools everywhere make such an offense punishable by far more than a two-day suspension. Perhaps the fact that Welch didn’t throw any Oreo grenades helped to establish his innocent intent.
Maryland Republican J.B. Jennings leaped into action with Senate bill 1058, officially known as the Toaster Pastry Gun Freedom Act. The bill sought to cut down on overzealous suspensions of students who brought to school any object that might look like a gun or toy gun, but served some other purpose. That included fingers cocked to resemble said object.
On January 8th, Oklahoma’s Sally Kern introduced the “Common Sense Zero Tolerance Act,” which was ostensibly set to accomplish exactly the same thing as Jennings’.
“Let’s let children be children…as adults, let’s not stir up problems and end up having on a child’s school record some kind of incident like this.”
Fair enough. That’s a sentiment echoed by many parents after the Welch incident, and one of the few uttered on both sides of the isle. But in spite of its less provocative name and apparently sincere intentions, Kern’s act contained a couple of other interesting little extra tidbits not reported in some of the local press.
Under Kern’s plan, not only would student’s be allowed to possess delicious, gun-shaped pastries, they’d also be allowed to bring toy guns to school. Which is the worst idea in the history of bad ideas, unless you’re a TEApublican. Additionally, students would not be prohibited from drawing pictures of guns (which makes sense), of wearing clothing depicting guns (still…maybe), especially if that clothing:
“…supports or advances Second Amendment rights or organizations.”
Someone, pull the pin and shoot Ms. Kern an Oreo.