By AATTP Contributing Author, Han Chimpson
In North Carolina, Rep. Rayne Brown, R-Davidson, and Rep. Tim Moffitt (R-Buncombe) have conspired to declare open season on female nipples in the state. Their bill, House Bill 34, would make it a Class H felony to expose “external organs of sex and of excretion, including the nipple, or any portion of the areola, of the human female breast.”
Yes, you read that right – a felony. We know we take a decidedly liberal view here at AATTP, but this seems extreme even by TEApublican standards!
Offenders could be punished by up to 6 months in jail. There is, however, an exemption for breast-feeding.
The (ahem) titillating details behind the motive for this bill are as follows: In the liberal, hipster city of Asheville, the second annual topless protest and women’s rally was held this past August. According to the Asheville Citizen-Times, the event last year drew around a dozen topless women, who took off their shirts to “promote women’s equality.” Even though Brown’s district is over 100 miles away from Asheville, some of her constituents got wind of the event and called Brown out of “concern.”
Apparently, the “concern” was that people might have gotten a *gasp* glimpse of a woman’s nipple, in an event publicized as a topless protest, where one would deduce that there might be topless women there and not attend if they were offended by such displays. But that kind of logic isn’t good enough for TEApublicans, who claim to be all about small government and personal responsibility, yet routinely seem to make exceptions when it comes to anything having to do with the female body.
So, as Esquire magazine hilariously named it, the “North Carolina Nipple Defense Act of 2013” has made it out of committee, and will now go to the North Carolina House floor. And if it eventually passes and becomes the law of the land, North Carolina Rep. Tim Moore, R-Cleveland, has a suggestion to those women who may be in danger of criminally exposing their nipple or areola, even if they are not trying to…
You know what they say – duct tape fixes everything.
North Carolina Committee Chairwoman Rep. Sarah Steven (R) further suggested that women could use “pasties” or “nipple coverings” just to be safe, in the event that a woman’s choice of fashion might accidentally leave any portion of her nipple or areola exposed. If it does pass, I’m sure the people of N.C. will feel much safer knowing that deputies working the “North Carolina Nipple and Areola Patrol” are roaming the stands at NASCAR races and beaches along the Atlantic Ocean, diligently searching for felonious female offenders. What a brilliant allocation of limited law enforcement resources that would be! Men, of course, are still allowed to romp shirtless in the surf without threat of prosecution under the new law.
Many are unaware that until the 1930’s, it was against the law in the United States for men to go topless, even on the beach. There were eventually enough topless protests by men to get that law changed. One might wonder if women will ever do the same. Or will the puritanical whims of TEApublican politicians continue to curtail the rights that women have over their own bodies, and their desire to expose or not expose their God-given parts?
Han Chimpson spends a lot of time monkeying around at the Ayn Rand Collected Social Security page, and thinks you are cool enough to do the same.