Sitting Bullsh*t — One thing you have to love about Republican presidential wannabe Mike Huckabee: At least he’s consistent. Of course, a degree of consistency is probably to be expected from a guy whose sweater-wearing fanbase has been staring at the same dish of petrified hard candy since 1983. But this former Baptist minister has displayed an incredible degree of fortitude in his unwavering delivery of that 1500-year-old message: “Christians good, Muslims bad.”
Nobody was surprised when conservatives lost their collective minds after Obama’s address at the National Prayer Breakfast. Christians never have dealt well with mention of their own indiscretions; these days, most will respond by blaming Muslims for their own sins, claiming “defensive action.” Which is something we’d ask the Cathars about…you know, if there were any left.
(Fun Fact: A Catholic abbot speaking of the 7,000-person massacre of Cathar “heretics” at Beziers coined the phrase “Kill them all; God will know his own.“ Christian soldiers in the War on Terror were famed for using a variant of that same phrase: “Kill them all, and let Allah sort them out.”)
But, hey — we’re not here to speak ill of Christians. Why?
Because Obama’s persecuting them by always siding with Muslims! Or, so claims Mike Huckabee. He recently said on Fox and Klan:
“Everything he does is against what Christians stand for, and he’s against the Jews in Israel. The one group of people that can know they have his undying, unfailing support would be the Muslim community. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the radical Muslim community or the more moderate Muslim community.”
No, don’t worry — you’re not going crazy. That is actually the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard. At least, in light of the fact that since taking office, Obama’s droned more Muslims than a Mesopotamian horsefly. And he killed Bin Laden, along with about 4,700 other people — mostly Muslim — launched 20,000 airstrikes in his first term, bombing seven different Muslim countries, and starting a new war on both ISIS. And he’s backed Israel’s war on Palestine, including picking up the tab for their Iron Dome anti-missile system. But yeah, totally. We see Mike’s point.
That’s a lot of “undying” support for a lot of dead Muslims.
We must give fair warning on this next part, though. Don’t worry. Again, you are not going crazy. This will be the new dumbest thing you’ve ever heard. In response to Obama’s declaration that climate change was a bigger danger to future generations than terrorism:
“I assure you that a beheading is much worse than a sunburn, and this president couldn’t watch a western from the ’50s and know the difference between the good guys and the bad guys.”
Frankly, we’re not even going to address the first part of the statement. Just…you do it. We can’t. It’s 3:30 AM here, and stupid doesn’t get up this early.
As to the second part…
That’s right. Because as anyone who’s ever watched a 1950s Western knows, it’s very easy to tell the “good guys” from the “bad guys.” The good guys are white and have big guns. The bad guys are brown-skinned savages who dress funny and chop peoples’ heads off — non-Christian terrorist insurgents living by religious law, hit-and-run guerrilla fighters from the desert wilds whose entire language is seemingly composed of “Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi-YIIII!!!”
No moral ambiguity in that comparison.
But, then again, nobody expects a concept of ambiguity from Mike Huckabee. Or any Christian, for that matter. Or any Christian named Mike Huckabee who uses movies from the 1950s as his ethical reference. Everyone already knows what’s right and wrong, especially people with petrified candy dishes, certain of the Golden Rule that “Christians Good, Muslims Bad.”
Kill em all, and let Allah sort them out.
Now that’s what we call some Sitting Bullsh*t.