No, really –– hear me out!
You see, Ronald knows how rough it is for his employees to pay rent, feed kids, buy clothes, and even gas up the car to drive to work! Since he only pays his employees minimum wage, he is fully aware of the dire economic situation created by underpaid employees.
It’s OK, though! Ronald wants to help out! He’s set up a really super-duper helpful web site filled to the brim with really super-duper…dumbshit stupid insane ideas!
Ronald wants his employees to relax, so he suggests taking “at least” two vacations a year to offset the stress created by his low wages. Apparently, spending half a year’s salary on vacations will cut heart attack risk by 50%. Pack your bags, if you can find time off from your other job and your other other job. Wait–that’s two vacations, right there!
Of course, you could always sing to reduce those pesky stress levels! Bust out your favorite tune as you slave away! Ronald doesn’t want his servants to seem unhappy.
Since Ronald cares about your health, he suggests that you don’t need to be able to afford more food. You just need to eat less! To that end, break up your Ramen noodles and saltines into smaller bits. You’ll still be McMalnourished–but at least you’ll feel more full!
With the holidays approaching, Ronald wants to make sure that you don’t dig yourself into debt spending the half a year’s salary you didn’t spend taking the family to Disney World. To that end, he suggests that you sell off some of your stuff on Craigslist and eBay!
If that doesn’t help enough, you can always return some of the stuff. After all, Junior isn’t going to miss that new XBOX game that much, is he? Ho. Ho Ho.
No matter what, though, you should just stop bitching. Ronald is kind of getting sick of hearing you people complain that your heat got shut off again. Ronald is trying to pretend to care, here, and you people are making it difficult. If you get the urge to complain, take another vacation, or bust out a few lines of La Bamba. If all else fails, go buy yourself a cheeseburger. Break it into bits, stretch it over your lunch break, and enjoy! It will feel so close to the way a meal feels that you’ll be Lovin’ It!