Did you know Tailgunner Ted Cruz was still alive? Yeah, neither did we — seems like he slipped pretty quietly under the surface after he led last year’s failed coup d’etat. But, like Jason Voorhees menacingly rising from the foggy surface of Crystal Lake, Joe McCarthy II looks ready for yet another crappy sequel.
As you’d expect, Red Scare XVII: Canadian Takes Manhattan more or less follows the same formula as the rest of the series, relying primarily on recycled material with a few more campy gags, explosions and gratuitous nudity to keep the boys enthralled. And enthralled the crowd was at the Koch-funded Americans for Prosperity Defending the American Dream Summit in Dallas.
It began with a few well-timed jokes at Obama’s expense, delivered with all the expertise one would expect of someone who once had designs on a career in theater.
“Back in Washington there’s a diet that is now very, very popular. It’s called the Obama Diet. Works very, very well. You simply let Putin eat your lunch every day.”
But the lighthearted joviality was short-lived, for even as the crowd basked in the warm party lights of twinkling humor, a hulking presence entered the room. Immigrants.
“Now, I understand that Manhattan is very concerned with their security with the Bronx, but it’s a little bit different on 2,000 miles of the Rio Grande.”
And then, the hacking began.
“The president is right about one thing that’s happening on the border right now. It is a humanitarian crisis, but it is a crisis of his own creation. It is the direct consequence of President Obama’s lawlessness.”
One by one the sinful teenage party-goers of the Democratic party were gutted, laid open by the machete of Ted’s righteous moral fury. And the most sinful of all was Obama himself, a coward lounging in the excesses of sloth on the nation’s golf courses.
“A few months ago, President Obama came to the state of Texas. He had time to come to a couple of Democratic Party fundraisers to swill some chardonnay with fat cats in the Democratic Party. He didn’t have a minute to head down to the border and see the crisis that he has caused.”
“We tried to help him out. We actually tweeted to the president a MapQuest of driving from here to the border. That didn’t work, so I’ve got a different plan. Tonight I am officially extending an invitation to President Barack Obama to come join me at the border in Texas,” Cruz said. “I’ve figured out the only way there is a chance in heaven he might come. I’m inviting him to come to a golf course…a wonderful resort called Lajitas with a golf course right on the border.”
SLASH! But the White House has yet to return Ted’s email, so the cowardly Kenyan escapes Ted’s killing blow. But, unphased, unstoppable, he pursues his quarry into the dark wood, familiar killing fields: Repealing Obamacare.
“…the second critical thing this election is about — stopping Obamacare. I’m convinced we’re going to win in 2014 and 2016 is going to be even better. In the year 2017, a Republican president in the Rose Garden is going to sign a bill repealing every word of Obamacare!”
The crowd, ecstatically awaiting the evisceration to come, chants “Run, Ted, Run!” But Ted is no runner; Ted trudges mercilessly in pursuit of his quarry, as unstoppable as a diesel truck, silent as a shadow. Soon, he knows, Obama will stop for breath, and he need only be there, waiting, still as an oak as the terrified president shuffles backward in the darkness. Looking back toward Obamacare, the president doesn’t see the hulking form of ISIS behind him. His back hits it, still and solid.
Referring to Reagan’s simple Cold War policy of “we win, they lose,” Ted said,
“It’s almost as though Obama read that and got it backward. You’re dealing with monsters who are crucifying Christians and beheading American journalists, when you’re dealing with monsters who are training upwards of 100 Americans right now to come back here and visit the same terror on Americans here. Number one, we need to not let into this country any American who is fighting with ISIS. And, number two, ISIS says they want to go back and reject modernity. Well, I think we should help them. We ought to bomb them back to the stone age!”
The crowd erupts into cheers and chants. Blood! they scream. Blood, blood, BLOOD! The president tentatively reaches back, fearing now that what he had taken for a solid tree wasn’t. He feels the rot-eaten cloth of Ted’s tattered clothes. His eyes widen, and the horror of reality has barely a moment to set in before the killing thrust of “PUSSY!” impales him.
“All across this world America has receded from leadership. Look at Russia right now. Sadly, the state of the world is the Russian bear is encountering the Obama kitty cat.
You know what? The United States of America has never been a kitty cat. The reason Putin feels no fear to march into his neighbors, the reason why our allies up and down Europe are terrified of what’s next is because this president, as he puts it, is leading from behind.”
YES! the crowd ecstatically cries. Kill the weak, kill the weak!
(Though it must be said that the man with his finger on the button of the largest and most powerful military in the known universe almost cannot, by definition, be considered ‘weak.’ Perhaps it is the failure of rhetoric, of a man who knows he’s carrying the biggest stick by far, that the people miss.)
And so, gushing from his mortal wound, life slowly draining from his eyes, the last thing our president sees is Ted’s hulking shadow, cast in moonlight upon his face. Ted stands victorious over his victim, stating that “defending our constitutional rights” (read: guns everywhere) would be key in the 2016 election. He ends, noting that it would be imperative to vote out Democratic senate majority leader Harry Reid.
“And President Obama…you’re next!”
But Obama, sadly, cannot be next. He already lay a cooling corpse at Ted’s feet, unable to be voted out of anything. He will never run again.
Overall, we give Red Scare XVII: Canadian Takes Manhattan 1.5 out of 4 stars. It certainly doesn’t disappoint on the hack-and-slash formula that Ted fans have come to expect, and the special effects are about what you’d expect for a big-budget Koch Studios summer production. All the usual elements are there…but Red Scare fans already know not to expect much more. And so do we; we’ve seen this movie a hundred times before.
The plot is the rehash you knew it would be, and what thrills there are ARE cheap and short-lived, designed more to startle than scare. We expect you’ll find Ted’s latest kill-spree on Wal-Mart’s $10.99 rack by November.
Watch Ted Cruz in the video below.
Image h/t: Daily Kos