The Kochs are no strangers to pulling the old bait-and-switch agenda rally; at this point, they’ve scienced it down to a four-step process known as the “KOCH procedure.” We’ll explain that further in a moment, but for now, a basic question: How do you bait in rich college kids who care more about parties and hot hookups than they do about freedom, liberty, business and immigration? YOU TOTALLY THROW A KEGGER, BRAH!!
This month’s KOCH Procedure targets were the students of the University of Miami, and the venue was the parking lot of the Miami-Virginia Tech football game. The vector was what amounted to a huge tailgate party…the kind that typically goes down in fratboy kegger history.
Of course, the Kochs themselves didn’t show up to cut checks to entertain their latest targets; that duty was left to the Koch-funded (and ironically named) Generation Opportunity, the youth-oriented outfit behind the Creepy Uncle Sam ads. They were of course aided by the University’s conservative club…which is another way of saying “People who liked Atlas Shrugged. The movie, not the book.” Which is another way of saying, as Bill Maher put it, “people who are kinda smart, but not REALLY.”
The agenda, of course: Promotion of the Koch’s “OptOut” campaign, designed to convince the Obamacare-crucial “young and healthy” crowd that insurance is fn STUPID. And now, we pick up at Step 1 of the KOCH Procedure.
STEP 1 of the (K)OCH Procedure: Know Your Target.
A University of Miami football game might seem like an oddly arbitrary place for the Kochs to debut their latest series of agenda rallies, but no way, Broseph. The University of Miami was hand-chosen as GenOp’s target of opportunity for several very specific reasons.
- It’s Koch-puppet Marco Rubio’s alma mater, and still sits squarely in his zone of influence. Even among the politically disinterested at The University of Miami, Rubio’s name is well-known, and at the very least, he’s a home-town boy made celebrity on the political stage. Whether Rubio suggested The University of Miami as a target, or whether the Koch’s just used him as an “in” is unknown. But, for a few reasons, it was probably the latter.
- According to College Confidential, Miami is a fairly exclusive party school with a few crucial “assets.” Not only does it rank in the top 8% of tuition costs, rates a 184 out of 1,661 in “hard to get into,” it’s also number 46 out of 1,373 in “Biggest Party Schools.” It also rates a massive 14 out of 1,342 for “Hottest Girls,“ and 7 out of 1,332 for “Hottest Guys.“ As a Floridian who’s spent some time there….they’re not freaking kidding.
- The Kochs know opinion leaders when they see them, and sexy, rich college girls/guys who love to party have a lock on deciding what’s cool among their peers. And they probably always will. The Kochs know good and well that as the (perceived) cool kids do, the majority will mindlessly follow. Welcome to human nature; if you’re hot and rich, people will always laugh at your jokes and nod in agreement, no matter how much of an idiot you actually are.
STEP 2 of the K(O)CH Procedure: Offer a Focus That Exploit’s Your Target’s Vulnerabilities
The Koch’s various think tanks like The Heritage foundation, CATO and ALEC aren’t sitting around designing doilies for Charles’ gentleman bits. The Kochs hire lots of people trained in marketing, sociology and psychology to find and exploit emotional triggers and weaknesses in their targets. They exploit the moral, intellectual and educational weaknesses of the target to find a few keywords that will draw them in.
Now, that works fine for Southerners longing to return to a “simpler and grander” time, for Midwesterners who are sick of them Mexicans tookin ther JOBS!, Bible-thumping rednecks who are just sick of being BROKE, for Texans who just want to make love to everything with a trigger guard, and for small businessmen who are getting screwed by taxes but don’t realize that the Kochs and Megacorps don’t play by the same taxation rules. For these groups, the focus keywords might be “freedom,” “liberty,” “prosperity,” “border security,” “taxation,” “entitlements,” “Jesus” and “guns.”
But, as stated, the cool kids of Miami don’t give a damn about any of that. Their priorities don’t extend much beyond the next bong hit, pimp ride, hot jam or coed. Not to worry…”Generation Opportunity” won’t miss the opportunities presented by THIS generation.
- Among the usual assortment of props from “Beerfest,” including beer pong tables and beer bongs, were plenty of kegs upon which to do epic keg stands. If there’s one thing that will bring a frat boy to his knees, it’s THAT. And that’s not counting the sheer amount of booze contributed by the attendees themselves.
- Actually, no. It’s boobs. Lots and lots of boobs. Well, at least 16 of them anyway, in the form of eight model “brand ambassadors.” What brand? We’re getting there.
- Wait, no. It’s cars. Actually, it’s a fleet of pimped-out Hummers, F-150s and Suburbans equipped with eight-foot-tall balloon bouquets. Because SOMETHING has to catch all those lost panties.
- Crap! No, no, no. It’s none of that. All of that’s NOTHING without some sick beats! The Kochs hired a local student DJ, creatively named DJ Joey, to spin some sets produced by Generation Opportunity’s OptOut. While it hasn’t been confirmed, the musical theme was likely “You Only Live Once, so SCREW Insurance!” Wait…is YOLO a thing anymore?
STEP 3 of the KO(C)H Process: Connect the Draw Keywords to the Agenda
The third step, the “C” in the KOCH Process for Agenda Rallies is the most important. This is the one that ties all the others together: Changing the purpose of the rally from the thing that drew the participants in to support of The Agenda of The Day. That’s not as hard as you might think, either; most of the time, it’s simply a matter of creating a catchy and easily memorable association, delivered by a person who the listener holds in authority or esteem.
There are a lot of ways to make an association stick, or to get people to agree with you. One of them is combining words and images to put one concept into the context of another (“Libtard!” and Obama Turban signs), and another is the Rule of Three and Four. Get people to agree with you about three or more things, and they’ll usually agree with you about the fourth. The first three are always the Keyword Draws: “Do you love LIBERTY!?!” Yeah! “Do you love FREEDOM!?!” Yeah! “You love PROSPERITY and JESUS, right??” HELL YEAH! “Then…
- “The Keystone XL Pipeline is about LIBERTY!“
- “Corporate tax breaks are about FREEDOM!”
- “Industrial deregulation is about PROSPERITY!“
- “Obama hates JESUS!“
Things work pretty much the same for Generation Opportunity’s manipulation as they do for FreedomWorks’ agenda rallies. but drunk college kids have short attention spans, and it’s hard to get people they like and respect to speak at these things. Because, let’s face it, there aren’t many young, cool icons of film and music who’d be caught dead speaking for the Koch Brothers. So, the fallback plan:
- Pay the 16 Boobs to walk around with bullhorns, hyping OptOut and the Koch Brothers’ Agenda
- Pay the DJ to do the same.
- Bring in the none-too-subtle “Creepy Uncle Sam” from the OptOut ads to pose for funny pictures.
- Plaster OptOut signs all over those badass Hummers and Suburbans, and all around the booze and food.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to the Rule of Three and Four: “Do you like BOOBS? Do you like MUSIC? Do you like Hummers, free food and BEER? Then how much do you LOVE the Koch Brothers??”
STEP 4 of the KOC(H) Process: Harvest Your Crop
This is the easy part, because it mostly involves sitting back and laughing, and later building on the foundation. First, the Koch’s get to sit back and laugh, fairly certain that every single person who came for the Draw (freedom, liberty, guns, beer, boobs, Hummers) leaves thinking that they REALLY came for the Agenda (oil pipelines, tax breaks, deregulation, undermining Political Opponents and ending all government control and authority). That’s how it works…you come for the FREEDOM, you end up getting THE KOCH. Better yet, you leave thinking you showed up for The Koch in the first place, and then you come back for more.
But here’s the REALLY clever thing. The Agenda you end up supporting isn’t always the one you end up supporting. Because there’s a second stage to the bait-and-switch. This whole Obamacare debacle has been a smokescreen from the beginning, every bit of it concocted as yet another Draw. It’s the gateway drug to obedience. Just like abortion, gun control and religion, these things end up second-stage Draws, the last emotional touchstone before personal investment leads you to swallow the end agenda:
GIVE US YOUR GOVERNMENT. GIVE US YOUR FREEDOM. AND GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEY.
You might be wondering why this particular writer would chose to spend 2,000 words on what seems like a dumb little story about frat boys and keg stands. It could have (and probably should have) been 250 words. I could have spent the same time writing five more viral stories. Hell, I get paid by the page view, so what’s the point? Why go through the trouble of dissecting the exact process by which the Kochs (and many others) go about brainwashing legions into becoming willing followers. Three reasons.
- Generation Opportunity is planning on taking this boozy brainwashing tour to 20 more college campuses this fall, with the sole intent of convincing college kids that they’re better off with no insurance than buying it through the Obamacare marketplace. This campaign is pretty cheap, too; for a mere $750,000, the Kochs might get thousands of “cool kid” opinion leaders to quell the liberalism and resistance to corporate control that defines young voters and college kids in particular. Make no mistake…this is an absolute preemptive strike on America’s future.
- They’re going for this generation’s throat early because they know that this generation stands the best chance of permanently defeating them. Plain and simple. This generation is connected in a way unlike any before, inherently Democratic and self-governing in ways that only those raised on cell phones, texting and the internet can be. In four or five years, these wealthy, attractive, boozy fratboys and party girls will become opinion leaders in their communities, in politics and in the media. They’re the burning fuse on Corporate America’s last bomb, and you can bet the marketing analysts working for the Kochs know it.
- This generation, raised on democratic interconnection and free exchange of ideas, detests nothing more than being manipulated. Being controlled. Being told what to think and believe. That’s exactly what makes it dangerous to Wall Street, Corporate America and people like the Kochs. And it doesn’t react well to finding out that someone’s attempted exactly that. Deconstructing not just the principle, but the practiced MEANS of manipulation by which they operate, is the torch that sets fire to the wizard’s curtain.
Over the coming months, I hope that those reading this will send it out to all students at all 20 campuses where these events are planned, so they can see exactly how they’re being manipulated. Time to pull aside the curtain, and throw a few (empty) bottles of Goose at the sad, little men hiding behind it.