This weeks “Freedom Summit” in Iowa — hosted by Citizens United — has been a comedy gold mine for political writers. Yesterday, we wrote on Sarah Palin’s contribution to the event, a 40-minute ramble of disjointed conservative soundbites connected by the most hilarious non-sequiters and caveman grammar this side of a Tarzan movie. But there was plenty more hilarity outside of Caribou Barbie’s ad-libbed rant, and Jon Stewart gave us the rundown on this Daily Show segment.
“Wait. Isn’t that the tagline for Tide? Well, this summit probably does get your whites whiter.”
Ted Cruz meta-topped that with that most favored bit of Bible Belt pandering — the substitute curse word:
“In a Republican primary, every candidate is going to say ‘I’m the most conservative guy to ever live. Gosh-darnit, hoo-DIDDLY, I’m conservative!'”
“Ted Cruz appears to be crossing over from down-home conservative to Ned Flanders territory. Okely dokely, voterinos!”
Of course, Mike Huckabee, favored among people who argue about the best brand of denture glue while handing out Christian tracts as Halloween treats, couldn’t let that one go:
“There are two things you should never see: a law and a sausage made. I have seen both, and I still eat sausage…If you’re going to have some sausage, you gotta kill some pigs. And folks, there are a lot of people in America who want the sausage, they just don’t want to kill any pigs. We need to do some pig-killin’.”
You know, between Mike Huckabee and Joni Ernst, we’re starting to get the feeling the Pig Rights crowd isn’t all that popular in Iowa. Rick “Smart Glasses” Perry followed with his own Howard Dean moment, and Donald Trump went full Jersey talking about his plans for a border fence. Which we’re not sure was so much a political statement, as a bid for a construction contract:
“We have to build a fence, and it’s got to be a beauty. Who can build better than Trump? I build. It’s what I do.”
“‘Ladies and gentlemen, I give you da Trump Border Fence Hotel, Casino, Condominium, Tower and Golf Course and Wine Bar. It’s da best, classiest way to keep Mexicans out datchoo can imagine. You can take dat to da Trump.’ That’s what he calls the bank.”
Stewart wrapped up with “The Rare, Brown-Haired Podium Seeker,” who we went into at length yesterday. Following her epic “status quo” non-sequiter, Stewart said:
“You know, that’s the kind of talk you normally hear right before the pharmacist says ‘Ma’am, you’ve got to leave the Walgreens.’ Now we know what it’s like to get cornered by Ms. Palin at an open bar wedding.”
He wraps up with a reference to Mathew McConaughhey’s Lincoln commercial — which now that we notice, seems about tailor made for this exact audience. Or, Mike Huckabee’s, anyway. It’s worth watching…but then again, Jim Carey’s spoof of that commercial is even more worth watching. We’ll wrap up with that.