2013 was a banner year for stupidi-tea. So much moronic mouth-mush, so little brains. The things that Tea-publicans say are so far beyond logic and reason, that you might swear we make them up. There is only one way to know for sure — take this quiz and see if you can tell the difference between actual Tea Party quotes, and feeble attempts at satire!
1. Ted Cruz said which of the following:
A. “Obama wants to spread his socialism to the moon.”
B. “The moon is made of green eggs and ham, not green cheese bought with food stamps.”
C. “The moon might be as intimidating as Obamacare.”
D. “The Canadian healthcare system I grew up under might be as intimidating as Obamacare.”
2. Michele Bachmann did not say:
A. “The Declaration of Independence was revealed by God to Thomas Jefferson just like the Ten Commandments were revealed to Moses. What we need in America is a new Exodus, one from socialism and the yoke of Egyptian slavery that Obamacare sends a message, encouraging terrorism and gay marriage. Maranatha, John Quincy Adams, come Lord Jesus.”
B. “President Obama can’t wait to get Americans addicted to the crack cocaine of dependency on more government health care.”
C. “I think before his second term is over, we’re going to see a miracle before our eyes, I believe God is going to answer our prayers and we’ll be freed from the yoke of Obamacare. I believe that’s going to happen and we saw step one last week with the repeal of Obamacare in the House.”
D. “I’m a believer in Jesus Christ, as I look at the End Times scripture, this says to me that the leaf is on the fig tree and we are to understand the signs of the times, which is your ministry, we are to understand where we are in God’s End Times history.”
3. The Tea Party insists it’s not racist. Which quote expresses their enlightened views?
A. “If it hurts a bunch of lazy blacks that want the government to give them everything, so be it.”
B. “For every one who’s a valedictorian, there’s another hundred out there who weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’ve been hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert.”
C. “My father had a ranch. We used to hire 50 or 60 wetbacks to pick tomatoes.”
D. All of the above.
4. John Fugelsang asked Scottie Nell Hughes of the Tea Party News Network the following question: “Let’s say Roe v. Wade is overturned and abortion becomes illegal. If a woman is raped and she goes to a doctor, and the doctor terminates the pregnancy – Please tell me who deserves the longest jail sentence? The rapist, the doctor or the woman? In order.” Which of these was her response?
A.“The rapist, of course. Then the doctor. Not the woman, no. Don’t be silly, John!”
B. “The doctor. Women who get abortions always lie about being raped, so who says the father is a rapist?”
C. “Across the board.”
D. “There will be no need for anyone going to jail. Overturning Roe v. Wade will magically make abortion disappear!”
5. According to Brooke McGowan of the Tea Party News Network, one of the following is a potential consequence of religious tolerance:
A. Invasion by foreign armies
B. Wiccan indoctrination camps
C. The U.S. capital will be moved to Benghazi
D. God will hate us
6. Healthcare expert Sarah Palin said which of the following:
A. “President Obama was using the embassy in Benghazi as his Marxist headquarters for the death panels. He staged the terrorist attack to take eyes off the ball, to make the lamestream media play gotcha, because the IRS is microchipping for FEMA. Commonsense Americans know this, because you betcha we have freedom to drink 3-gallon Cokes! Free market commonsense solutions that I pioneered in Alaska as a real reformer, just like Paul Revere, ridin’ on his snow machine, warnin’ us about that socialism when he rang those bells of liberty for freedom!”
B. “I have a book about Christmas out, you know, and whatever those howling in the lamestream media may say, whatever can put things that look away from liberty, because we have something liberals don’t understand. We have freedom, Patrick Henry, he gave us a shout-out for liberty, not death panels. Our founders understood, you don’t shoot a moose unless you are gettin’ us toward those commonsense conservative ideas, watchin’ Fox News, gettin’ that wisdom, like the founders said. Ringin’ those bells and buyin’ traditional marriage chicken! It’s not some socialist Obamacare giveaway. George Washington, he took on those British red-wearin’ socialists! You betcha he celebrated freedom by shootin’ a moose at the battle of Gettysburg!”
C. “The plan is to allow those things that had been proposed over many years to reform a health care system in America that certainly does need more help so that there’s more competition, there’s less tort reform threat, there’s less trajectory of the cost increases? And those plans have been proposed over and over again. And what thwarts those plans? It’s the far left. It’s President Obama and his supporters who will not allow the Republicans to usher in free market, patient-centered, doctor-patient relationship links to reform health care!”
D.“When Jesus spoke to the founders at that Independence Hall, writin’ up our foundin’ documents, he made sure, he looked those founders in the eye, goin’ maverick, givin’ them that liberty from those shinin’ seas, and you know what… that has been lost what with socialism under Obamacare and death panels trying to silence those bells, those freedom bells, like when Benjamin Franklin asked God, he could see God before him, and he asked you know, when we will get that Second Amendment? When will liberty flow like oil, drillin’ our land with bounties of freedom and those purple majesty mountains? Because of Obama, those purple mountains are red from socialism.”
Answers: 1. C 2. A 3. D 4. C 5. A 6. C.
Tea Party Quiz Score:
5 or 6 correct means if you are not yet a loyal reader of AATTP, you soon will be.
3 or 4 correct means you’re average — who can blame you for the confusion?
1 or 2 correct means you probably take Free Wood Post seriously as a news source.
0 correct means thanks for reading, Sarah!