Live, from his mom’s spare bedroom, “Ragin’ Rob” has a problem–and it’s us!
Before we go any further, we’d just like to remind you that this person has the power to vote.
“Facebook drama alert,” announces “Ragin’ Rob!” You see, Rob has just stumbled upon our little Facebook presence. Rob is so outraged, he even wants to make sure the “illegal immigrants” understand what he is showing them. “Americans Against the Tea Party. You have read it correctly,” Rob rages, “Americans, in case you don’t know English–in case you’re an illegal immigrant and you can’t understand this…Americana Against the Tea Party.”
What has caused Rob to “rage” this time? Why it’s a little meme we posted a while back that points out, correctly, someone who keeps guns at home is more likely to kill a member of the household than an intruder. Struggling with grade school level words, Rob eventually reads the meme in its entirety. Of course, given his obvious level of education, Rob has an issue with this. “So this anti-gun, piece of shit, Obama-supporting f*cking page...” Rob ponders for a moment, perhaps overcome by his rage, perhaps allowing his meth-induced haze to clear a bit, then jumps to the most asinine conclusion possible (as was expected): They must be against the Constitution!
Rob continues, saying that he wants everyone to see it (we appreciate the advertising, Rob!), but struggles with pronouncing the word “Americans,” and encourages his viewers to visit the page and “leave hate comments–give them as much hate as possible.” He then encourages his viewers to hack Americans Against the Tea Party and, while he states that he does not condone violence, he hints that if violence is used, “that’s your own free will.” Now there’s that “go get ’em” attitude we all know and love. If someone doesn’t support their ideals 100%, they’re willing to go as far as to destroy the country in a Teabagging Hissy Fit over the Affordable Care Act, so why not?
Rob has a message for “these c*cksuckers,” and you can tell he means business–he even whips the camera around to reveal all three of his chins! Rob levels the most hilarious threat ever in the history of ever: “I’m gonna take this video and I’m gonna post it on your f*cking Facebook channel, you anti-Constitutional sonsabitches! You Barack Obama supporting pieces of SHIT!” Rob digs deep and levels a stare dredged up from a soul marred by far too much immersion into the fairy tale world of professional wrestling and bath salt abuse, “The Tea Party are Constitutionalists, so…you’re against the Tea Party because we’re Constitutionalists? Because we believe in the Second Amendment, to have self defense? The Second Amendment was put into place not only to defend ourselves against criminal, but to defend ourselves against a tyrannical government.”
No, we’re against the Tea Party because you’re idiots. We’re against the Tea Party because you represent the interests of large corporations, yet somehow believe that you are fighting for the people. We’re against the Tea Party because you fight against basic human equality. We’re against the Tea Party because you only actually understand half of one Amendment to the Constitution, yet ignore the rest. We’re against the Tea Party because you’re a bunch of anti-science, anti-education, racist, inbred, nihilistic zealots whose solution is to burn it all down. We’re against the Tea Party because it represents everything that is wrong with America.
One thing Rob does not realize is that the Second Amendment was ratified largely to protect southern slave militias. According to Thom Hartmann,
[box type=”shadow”]The real reason the Second Amendment was ratified, and why it says “State” instead of “Country” (the Framers knew the difference – see the 10th Amendment), was to preserve the slave patrol militias in the southern states, which was necessary to get Virginia’s vote [ratifying the Constitution itself]. Founders Patrick Henry, George Mason, and James Madison were totally clear on that . . . and we all should be too.” Of course, slave uprisings were of much concern in the south: “[S]lave rebellions were keeping the slave patrols busy. By the time the Constitution was ratified, hundreds of substantial slave uprisings had occurred across the South. Blacks outnumbered whites in large areas, and the state militias were used to both prevent and to put down slave uprisings. As Dr. Bogus points out, slavery can only exist in the context of a police state, and the enforcement of that police state was the explicit job of the militias…
Their main concern was that Article 1, Section 8 of the newly proposed Constitution, which gave the federal government the power to raise and supervise a militia, could also allow that federal militia to subsume their state militias and change them from slavery-enforcing institutions into something that could even, one day, free the slaves.” [/box]
It’s good to know that you are proud of that Second Amendment! It goes great with a rebel flag and your obvious aversion to showering. I have some news for you, though: the Second Amendment is not the whole Constitution, and we don’t oppose your right to bear arms–well OK, maybe your right…but in general, no. We support reasonable regulation to ensure that people like you don’t get within 50 feet of a firearm.
Rob launches into an asinine tirade that explains that if we’re going to “ban guns,” we should ban hot coffee…because if he threw his coffee in someone’s face, they may “get second degree burns.” Of course! That’s why there are laws against that sort of thing! He then moves on to the prospect of banning knives because they might be used to kill people. He’s right that they can. What Ragin’ Rob fails to notice is, for instance, the “mass stabbing” back in April. Fourteen were injured, with no fatalities. Now what if that guy had a gun? How many deaths would there have been. Yes, knives can be used to kill. Firearms can be used to kill efficiently and en masse. Understand the difference? Didn’t think so. Rob mentions regulation of “knifes“, ignorantly missing that most states regulate knives over a certain length already.
From there, Ragin’ Rob moves on to the prospect of banning ink pens-because someone could contract ink poisoning if he were to “stab someone with this f**king thing AND DIE!” Rob, being an uneducated twit, does not know that one can only contract ink poisoning through ingestion. Someone could stab him 37 times in the chest with an ink pen (and who wouldn’t want to?), and he would not contract ink poisoning. Unfortunately, he would still be an imbecile.
Of course, it’s just the same with automobiles! If he were to drive irresponsibly, he could kill someone. Of course, that’s why there are laws against “driving like a freakin’ lunatic,” Rob.
Rob then pulls out his super manly handgun as he stares intently into the camera, demanding to know why we want to ban guns, then defiantly remarks into the camera, “you’re not gonna git our guns! OK. Let me just be clear about that. When Hitler invaded much of Europe, did he fuck with Switzerland? No, he didn’t. When Japan attacked us…did they try and do a ground war? They knew there was going to be resistance. One hundred and fifty million gun owners? You think Japan’s that stupid? No.”
Well, that’s an interesting take on history! Hitler initially avoided attacking Switzerland because–yes, they were well-armed and well-trained–but the main reason was that Switzerland just so happened to be full of defensive geniuses. The Swiss were adept at defensive fortifications, and made the cost of an invasion too high. Later on, having Switzerland independent was very useful to Germany. It allowed them a “back door” to international trade, a place to negotiate with the Allies, and an easy place to hide their loot. In other words, in the end, Switzerland was too useful as a free nation to invade. Rob, you may find it interesting that Hitler actually loosened the very restrictive post-World War I gun laws for the majority of the population in Germany.
Japan didn’t want a ground assault because troop transport would be far too difficult. Strategically, an aerial assault on Pearl Harbor was the only hope. Japan was not attempting to destroy America anyway. Pearl Harbor was attacked to prevent the US from fighting with them until after they had conquered the Dutch East Indies, as an attack there would bring the United States into the war anyway. Isn’t history fun?Somebody tell this guy that Hawaii is a series of islands!
As he loads his very feminine .38 snubnose with Jihawg (special “Guaranteed Haraam” pork-laced bullets), he declares that “You’re not…going to get…our guns. Because if you try to get our guns, we have the Second Amendment, ok? And these gun owners will not be happy.” Aiming for a strong finish, he concludes: “Try and get our guns. I dare you.” Oh, and Rob, please don’t slam the cylinder shut like that. You’re going to damage your gun. For someone who enjoys making loud protestations regarding gun rights, your ineptitude makes us curious if you’ve never handled a gun before you shot this mind-numbingly stupid video. Give your mom her gun back before you hurt yourself. We’d love to see you defend us against Obummer’s tyranny with a bent locking pin.
Frankly, if this person is representative of the Tea Party, we’re glad to be fighting against his backwards, revisionist, intelligence-free mentality. We’re proud to oppose the sort of person who ignores the inscription on the Statue of Liberty: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me…” Rob, if you are a representative of the Tea Party, then it’s no wonder the masses ridicule you.
Now, grab some popcorn, watch this video, and try not to let your laughter choke you.