By AATTP contributing author, Paul Bibeau
Hey, Sarah. I noticed you resurfaced in the press with that comment about the government stockpiling ammunition. It’s nice to be famous, isn’t it? I’m going to be all over cable after that school bus plummets off me. Anyway, I wanted to reach out, because we have so much in common. Didn’t you realize it?
We’re both defective and unreliable.
When all those commuters pass over me one special morning, very few of them are going to realize I’ve been declared structurally deficient, and that I’m part of a massive national crisis. I’m one of more than 67,000 such bridges in the country. In the same way, when you say the federal government is preparing for civil unrest by arming up, you’re going to fool lots of people who don’t know this is a conspiracy theory so stupid it’s even been rejected by Fox News and the NRA.
We’re the product of right wing ideology.
We both owe our existence to the fact that a sizable chunk of Americans really do not want a functioning government. They believe there’s not much the feds are doing that’s important – unless it’s killing foreigners, of course. And they elect people to shout and say crazy things and throw sand in the machine. The result is gridlock and dangerously crumbling infrastructure – because serious jobs aren’t getting done. And people like you, of course.
We’re a symptom of our government’s inability to cover the basics.
A self-respecting modern political system isn’t supposed to allow 11% of its bridges to fall into serious disrepair. And it’s not supposed to allow a jackass like you to get past school crossing guard, let alone vice presidential candidate and major player. The fact that you and Ted Nugent can do a photo op and thousands of people on the web will think you’d make some kind of dream ticket is symptomatic of a terrible rot. Don’t they know you guys would do about as well as Clay Aiken kickboxing a cougar? You and I are a warning of some industrial-grade incompetence and stupidity at work in the country.
We both grab headlines because we’re awful.
Famous people are going to call me a national tragedy. I’ll be the biggest story of some local TV reporter’s career, because I’m going to devastate lives. Your lunatic rantings get you a huge fanbase and a PAC that has more than $1 million. Being horrifying is really working for us.
But here’s where we’re different.
You live in a land of make-believe – of invented threats and empty rhetoric. You say ridiculous things about secret plots against you, so your fans can load up on guns and ammo and pretend Red Dawn is coming.
But I’m real, Sarah. I’m knowable and fact-based. I am a product of gravity, wear and tear, extreme weather events, and government paralysis. And you and all your friends playing pretend on the internet… you ignore obvious problems like me.
I’m on my way. And don’t think people won’t remember who let me happen.
Paul Bibeau writes humor and commentary over at Goblinbooks.