A good actor knows and practices his lines. Certainly, that’s something Senator Ted Cruz must have learned back in 1992, when he played Rev. Samuel Parris in Harvard’s 1992 production of The Crucible. Yes, the Crucible — Arthur Miller’s satirical take on Joe McCarthy’s communist witch hunts, with a young Ted Cruz playing Miller’s take on McCarthy himself. But, practice makes perfect, which may be why he’s been working at that exact same role since 1992.
It’s become something of a tradition among Republicans, especially in recent years, to film counter-speeches to each State of the Union address. Kind of a peanut gallery sideshow commentary on the main ring. Yes, Obama’s SOTU addresses always bring out the biggest conservative talking heads. Reverend Samuel Cruz himself even took some time to deliver a few tired lines to his audience, posting a video on Youtube that was quickly taken down.
The video is the raw footage of Joe McCruz practicing his speech; or more accurately, getting a few false starts on which dead horse talking points he wants to kick. Behold the earnestness in those eyes as he tries not to sigh; hey, sincerity takes practice. Any actor could tell you that.
“Tonight, America received a powerful demonstration…that it’s time to move on past President Obama.”
We know. We’re totally firing him in 2016.
“This president tried to paint a rosy picture of an economy that’s booming; and yet today, we’ve got the lowest labor force participation since 1978. 92 million aren’t working today.”
Yes, Ted. Because the largest generation in American history began retiring six years ago. Imagine that.
“The president is trying to say his policies are lifting the Middle Class; and yet today, median incomes have stagnated for over a decade.”
Key words “over a decade.” As in, since before 2005. Remind us who was in office to get that ball rolling again? Oh, if only someone would support raising the minimum wage and reducing the tax burden on the middle class by shifting it to Wall Street traders and the richest 1 percent! Why, oh why won’t somebody do that?
“Wait. Let me start over.”
Yeah. That would probably be a good idea. You know…considering. We need some punchier talking points here. Something with some zing. Not too much thought required. Just a bit of pop.
“Just two months ago we had a national election, in which the American people spoke loud and clear, and said ‘the path we’re on isn’t working.’ The American people said ‘the Obama economy isn’t working, millions are hurting, and we want a different path.'”
Actually, about 68 percent of them said “Huh. Shrek 2 is on at 6:30. The system is rigged anyway. Let’s sit this one out.”
“Previous presidents have been on the receiving end of crushing electoral losses. Previous presidents have come with contrition, and said to the American voters ‘I hear you. I hear your message, and we will change paths.'”
Well, Ted — to define “crushing,” it’s worth mentioning that only about 17 percent of American voters actually voted for Republicans in 2014. Your “crushing victory” was mostly a result of the fact that only 16 percent voted Democrat. The rest stayed home, because Shrek.
“Tonight, the President told voters that not only does he not hear their message, but he intends to do precisely the opposite.”
Actually, he seems to be hearing something, since his approval ratings just passed 50 percent. They’re at 85 percent among Democrats, and even more incredibly, about 13 percent among Republicans. What makes that truly hilarious: In a recent poll of potential Republican presidential candidates, Ted Cruz captured a whopping 5 percent of his party’s voters, tying Rand Paul, and ahead of Marco Rubio.
Barack HUSSEIN Obama may be almost three times more popular among Republicans than Ted Cruz, Rand Paul or Marco Rubio.
Sh*t. Quick, change tack. Uhhh…wait, there’s something here…
“MUSLIMS! COMMUNISTS! Muslum Communists are gonna get you!”
And just for fun, speaking of all this…here’s some footage of Ted’s ham-fisted 1992 performance of The Crucible at Harvard. In this scene, you can see him carefully preparing for his biggest role yet — Joe McCarthy 2.0. Trivia Time: The night of this performance, at the cast party afterward, Ted got utterly obliterated on Everclear. He was so hungover the next day that he could barely remember his lines, and wound up staggering offstage in the middle of the third act. The rest of the cast had to improvise the entire rest of the play without him. The Reverend Parris did not receive a return engagement.