Back in the 1990s, general consensus among stand-up comedians like Chris Rock had it that there would never be a black president. He would, they said, get shot before he ever stepped foot in the White House. Wyclef Jean even wrote an ode to the notion in his sorrowful ballad “If I Was President” — ironically, only a couple years before Obama was elected. But maybe they were overestimating the strength of the Right’s convictions, since attacks on our president seem to have taken on a slightly more...passive-aggressive…demeanor.
Rather than bullets, the Right’s spent the better part of the last decade firing off conspiracy theories — enough to fill a good-sized book. And maybe, someday, somebody will write that book. But for now, we’re having a hard enough time just keeping track of them all. Fortunately, our friends over at Mother Jones have put together a handy little chart that lists and even cross-references the more notorious — and notoriously debunked — ramblings of the FOX-Foil Hat crowd.
We’ve gone into some detail about some of our favorites here. Not all are rooted in racism, though you could make the argument that any of the “He’s not one of us” conspiracy theories can trace their roots back to some race-based xenophobia. Just as many are the same things you’d hear from any group of fascist whiners after seeing anyone who didn’t run on a platform of sacrificing virgins to Fred Koch get elected. The rest…well, the phrase “hate just to hate, cause that’s what haters do best“comes to mind.
Please Note: Secret documents leaked by anonymous White House staffers have it that Sarah Palin uses this chart as a dartboard when deciding on ingredients for her latest word salad.
Obama Went Undercover as a CIA Agent and Aided the Mujahadeen in 1981: This one combines all the favorite elements of the modern tin-foil hat connoisseur: Mooslems, Obama and of course, the CIA. The story originated back in 2010, from Reverend David Manning. According to Manning, during his days as a political science major at Columbia in 1981, Obama was secretly recruited by the CIA (being a Muslim who was fluent in Farsi) to assist in Operation Cyclone. Operation Cyclone, if you recall, was the CIA operation that funneled money and weapons to the emerging Pakistani Taliban so they could fight against the Soviets in Afghanistan. College student Obama immediately excelled in his task, becoming the CIA’s most valuable undercover asset in the area — due largely to his flawless performance and incredible skills as a secret agent.
Of course, we must wonder now how well that played with his socialist handlers in Stalingrad, led by none other than then-KGB Colonel Vladmir Putin. Reverend Manning has promised to deliver the documentation and damning evidence of Obama’s secret past as a CIA operative during his “Obama treason Trial” on May 19th. Of 2010.
Obama Married a Pakistani Man, and Wears a Gay Wedding Ring with a Koranic Verse on it: Gay stuff? Check. Pakistan? You Bet’cha. Satanic verses inscribed on the One Ring, which can be revealed only by fire? More or less. This theory has it that (according to Jerome Corsi, who’s so nutty he’s actually shaped like a dried chick pea) Obama secretly married his college room-mate from Pakistan before he married Michelle. The theory centers largely around the fact that photos exist of the two men, and they appear to be friends. Also, in later pictures, Obama was known to wear a gold band on his left hand, which Corsi posits is the One Gay Ring to Rule Them All.
As to the supposed Mooslem inscription on Obama’s gay wedding ring: Some people looking closeley at photographs of the ring have seen what they believe to be Arabic script on it. The ring, which Obama says came from his one-time home Indonesia, is said to contain the first p[art of the Muslim shahada, which translates as “There is no God but God/Allah.” Muslims are required to publicly display signs of the shahada, including the second part “and Mohammed is his prophet.” Without the second part, the first half of the Shahada could apply to anyone of any monotheistic tradition . While the World News Daily seems pretty certain of the ring’s inscription, and the fact that it marks Obama as a secret Muslim, more rational minds over at The Blaze point out that it’s often worn as a kind of good-luck token by people of Middle Eastern areas…like Indonesia.
Obama Gave Away American Islands to Russia, an Impeachable Act: Perhaps to smooth things over for his time as a CIA operative, Agent Obama was said by Texas GOP House candidate Wes Riddle to have given away vital American property to the Rooskies. From his Facebook post:
“The reasoning for President Obama’s impeachment begins with the fact that the State Department is giving away seven strategic, resource-laden Alaskan islands to Russia. These seven islands in the Arctic Ocean and Bering Sea include one the size of Rhode Island and Delaware combined. The Russians will also receive tens of thousands of square miles of oil-rich seabeds surrounding the islands.”
IMPEACHABLE! TREASON! Oh, that secret CIA Mooslem communist, giving away our stuff! Wes is right…ANYONE who’ dare fork over sovereign American territory (containing oil) should be impeached, and shot for treason!
Oh, wait…Bush Senior signed over those islands in 1991? Well. Nevermind.
Obama Caused Hurricane Sandy
Did you know that Obama secretly used the Pentagon’s weather modification system to steer a hurricane into New Jersey, in order to win the state’s electoral votes? Alex Jones knows. According to Jones, Obama tapped HAARP — the worst-kept secret of all closely guarded military secrets — in order to steer a massive hurricane onto the East Coast. No, that “perfect storm” wasn’t global warming, folks — it was the gay Kenyan Muslim communist, stirring up chaos to mobilize FEMA death squads and interrupt New Jersey’s voting process. HAARP is said to use high-intensity radio waves to lift areas of the ionosphere and bounce those waves back to Earth, potentially causing hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions.
Obama was Behind the Shooting Massacre in Aurora, Colorado:
But Agent Doctor Evil Muslim Communist Sauron couldn’t use a volcano to massacre 12 and injure 58 in Aurora, Colorado — that would have been too…mundane. A website called Natural News told the truth at last, which was then picked up by The Kochs’ old friends at the John Birch Society, and finally by the Gun Owners of America — a group that makes the NRA look like disciples of John Lennon. From the Natural News post:
“All this looks like James Holmes completed a “mission” and then calmly ended that mission by surrendering to police and admitting everything. The mission, as we are now learning, was to cause as much terror and mayhem as possible, then to have that multiplied by the national media at exactly the right time leading up the UN vote next week on a global small arms treaty that could result in gun confiscation across America.
…In other words, this has all the signs of Fast & Furious, Episode II. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover someone in Washington was behind it all. After all, there’s no quicker way to disarm a nation and take total control over the population than to stage violence, blame it on firearms, then call for leaders to “do something!” Such calls inevitably end up resulting in gun confiscation, and it’s never too long after that before government genocide really kicks in like we saw with Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Mao and other tyrants.
…and Other Assorted Insanity.
Yes, the world of Right-wing conspiracy theories is a fun place…a funny place, even. Or, as Rachael Maddow once pointed out, it WOULD be funny…if they didn’t actually believe it.
H/T: Mother Jones