More and more, we’re starting to wonder is “Conservatism” is a disease wherein the afflicted suffers from a complete deficiency of irony. Symptoms include excessively red blood, neurological disorders including paranoid schizophrenia, and language center afflictions that cause the afflicted to say and do the dumbest things known to man. The disease is contagious, and has a habit of mutating to its host.
Case in point West Virginia’s own christian blogger, Holly Fisher. Fisher evidently became Patient Zero after reading the aphorism “When fascism comes to America, it will come wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.” Due to her acute irony deficiency, Patient Fischer took that as a suggestion, posting this picture of her “Holy Trinity” — or, what she calls, the “first and second amendments.”
For a time, it seemed this particular mutation (2A-3dR) of the Fascist Conservative Virus had been an isolated one. Occurring the the back-hills of West Virginia, it had difficulty spreading even through the internet. Containment might have come by way of a rather eerie meme that began circulation through the 2A-3dR‘s internet vector. The side-by-side picture of Fisher with a female Islamic terrorist in almost the exact same pose (with the title “EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE” above) appeared to have innoculated the populace. You can find the vaccine at the bottom of this page, along with our clinical analysis of it. (Don’t tell Jenny McCarthy)
And so contained it might have remained, thanks to internet vaccination. But the 2A-3dR strain proved hardier than we’d imagined, finding a new home in its natural environment: the irony-deficient blood of a Texan (now terrifyingly in Australia) by the name of Renee “Benghazi” Baseki. On September 28th, she posted this picture, and a chilling challenge along with it.
The American Challenge
Many of you have done the Ice Bucket Challenge. Let’s see how many of you will do the American Challenge! You have 48 hrs to post a pic of yourself with an American flag, a Bible, and a gun or post on your timeline why you do not accept the American Challenge! Let’s show the world that we are PROUD AMERICANS!
Now, you might be asking yourself what someone who (according to her Facebook page) now lives in Sydney, Australia cares about proving to the world something about REAL AMERICANS. Seems to us somebody should call the New South Wales police department, and inquire as to whether or not Ms. Benghazi has obtained the requisite Category H license for possessing the handgun in the picture. We hear those are a bit hard to come by.
Regardless, the 2A-3dR virus seems to have picked off yet another victim through Miss Australia, the unnamed woman in this photograph:
Now, we’re not entirely sure where Patient Three is located; but apart from viral epidemiology, we’re betting she’s a friend of Miss Benghazi’s in Australia. Why? Because the single-shot rifle she’s holding is a Class A weapon in Australia, which is the lowest class available if you cannot prove genuine need for a higher one. Well, that, and the fact that by the comments on her photo she’s friends with the Baseki family, and has at least one friend named “Ringo.” Sounds Australian to us.
So, the good news here is that the 2A-3dR mutation of the Fascist Conservative Virus may be fairly well contained. True, it seems to have crossed continents from West Virginia to Australia (where all REAL Americans live); but, it appears to maintain limited viability as epidemics go.
However, the original Fascist Conservative Virus continues to rage. We’d like to suggest a public awareness campaign…
We’re calling it the FCV Sh*t-Bucket Challenge.
To understand the plight of sufferers of FCV, we would first like you to
- Collect feces from the richest people you know, preferably billionaires, but any Hedge Fund Manager will do.
- Next, sit in front of the television, and watch a full hour of David Cross, Ron White, Bill Murray. Every time you recognize sarcasm, you are to punch yourself in the genitals, and scream at the television “I DON’T GET IT!”
- Then, you are to put on a continuous loop of Alanis Morissette’s Ironic, and lean your head back with your mouth open. Have a friend pour the billionaire sh*t all over your face. Swallow as much as possible, until your stomach can hold no more.
- Finally, have your friend ask you how you feel about Medicaid or trickle-down economics, and explosively vomit up the billionaire sh*t you’ve swallowed.
Then, and only then, will you understand how sufferers of the FCV Virus feel.
Please post your FCV Sh*t-Bucket Challenge videos below.
And just so we’re at least 1-to-1 on our FCV 2A-3dR Vaccinations…