And lo, for Glenn Beck hath suffered for thee, America; he has walked through the valley of the shadow of liberalism, and great are the wounds upon his head. For you, America, hath our Savior Glenn taken the stigmata of sickness and insanity. And now, through the grace of God has he been spiritually rehabilitated, and rises from the dead to serve thee again…for what time the Lord is willing. And he has a miraculous message for you till then.
Yes, like many celebrities looking to crawl back up from the ashes of ignominy and back into the limelight, Glenn Beck has officially been to rehab. Not for alcoholism, drug or sex addiction, but for…crazy. Fresh off the announcement of talks to sell his Blaze-TV network to Mercury Radio Arts, America’s own figurehead of overly emotional paranoid fearmongering is apparently all better now.
But not because he was crazy before! Oh, no, loyal Beck viewers; you can rest assured that you weren’t hanging on the every word of a narcissistic lunatic before. Everything he said, and everything you believe is still valid. Turns out all this time Beck’s been the victim of “adrenal fatigue.” Why?
Because of those damned liberals!
Look at what you people have done to poor Glenn!
Apparently, Glenn’s disorder was so severe that no normal, lamestream doctor could diagnose it. Fortunately, The Lord saw fit to move Beck right down the street from a “Chiropractic Neurology” center in Texas called Carrick Brain Centers. Nevermind the fact that “Chiropractic Neurology” has been almost entirely debunked as a pseudoscience, up there with vibrating crystals and Pyramid Power. Said Dr. Steven Novella, Yale University neurologist in 2011:
“Chiropractic neurology does not appear to be based on any body of research, or any accumulated scientific knowledge. I am not aware of any research that establishes their core claims. A search on PubMed for ‘Carrick T’ yielded nothing, and searching on ‘chiropractic neurology’ yielded mostly studies about neurological complications from chiropractic treatment.
Chiropractic neurology appears to me to be the very definition of pseudoscience — it has all the trappings of a legitimate profession, with a complex set of beliefs and practices, but there is no underlying scientific basis for any of it.”
Oh, and also, turns out “adrenal fatigue” isn’t a medical diagnosis. Dr. Todd B. Nippolt of the Mayo Clinic wrote a few months back that:
“Adrenal fatigue is a term applied to a collection of nonspecific symptoms, such as body aches, fatigue, nervousness, sleep disturbances and digestive problems. The term often shows up in popular health books and on alternative medicine websites, but it isn’t an accepted medical diagnosis.
Proponents of the adrenal fatigue diagnosis claim this is a mild form of adrenal insufficiency caused by chronic stress. The unproven theory behind adrenal fatigue is that your adrenal glands are unable to keep pace with the demands of perpetual fight-or-flight arousal.
It’s frustrating to have persistent symptoms your doctor can’t readily explain. But accepting a medically unrecognized diagnosis from an unqualified practitioner could be worse.”
In the video below, Glenn tearfully tells us of his harrowing ordeal with death at the hands of those damned liberals who have been stressing him out all these years. And he very accurately describes a real disease called Addison’s…while failing to mention that his own “disease” may not actually exist. But, it’s pretty easy to check for Addison’s using blood tests…so where are Glenn’s?
Oh, sorry. That’s private medical information.
However, this much isn’t private:
“Chiropractic neurologists” are one of the latest wave of pseudoscientists desperately trying to establish legitimacy since soldiers began returning from the Middle East. In the video segment below, Glenn even mentions how “several soldiers with PTSD” found “miraculous relief” in the Carrick Clinic. Which isn’t actually unprecedented — a lot of people were out selling “miracle cures” for “all that ails ya” in the post-Civil War era. Never say history doesn’t repeat itself.
Of course, the Lamestream Insurance Companies don’t recognize this as real science because…well, it isn’t. But treating returning soldiers with PTSD has become a billion-dollar business, and every charlatan with a phial of Miracle Juice is trying to get a piece of it.
Enter, Glenn Beck: Resurrected Rehab Messiah, and Snake-Oil Salesman for Jesus.
Crocodile tears sold separately.