While Kirk Cameron seeks to educate us in evolution and “life, the universe, and everything,” we here at AATTP thought we would take a minute from side-splitting laughter to appreciate other crazy famous Christians have said. Long on belief and short on fact, there seems to be a trend where anything goes, as long as you can wrap it up in a homely homily and tie it up with a big Jesus bow. Enjoy some of our favorite quotes.
Actor Gary Busey, who claims to have been to Heaven via a near death experience, refused to play a scene on a set made to look like Heaven, saying, “I can’t play this scene.” Running three days behind schedule, Busey delayed further, insisting “It’s nothing like this. I’ve been to heaven and it doesn’t look like this. That sofa’s all wrong. That mirror is ridiculous. They don’t even have mirrors!” Apparently Heaven has a very fussy interior decorator. Say…we thought gay people didn’t get into Heaven!
Mother Teresa wanted us all to know that God’s a comin,’ and wow is He pissed. All that unnatural fornicatin’ goin’ on! Why, it’s enough to make any being of Love and Light and Joy go all Apocalyptic. Referring to the AIDS epidemic, she said, “It is a just retribution for improper sexual misconduct.”
Chuck Norris, bemoaning the spread of Atheism online, said, “While you think your kids are innocently surfing the Web, secular progressives are intentionally preying on their innocence and naïveté. What’s preposterous is that atheists are now advertising and soliciting on websites particularly created for teens.” That’s right, folks, Atheists everywhere are stalking your children! There’s a fight over the hearts and minds of your kids! As opposed to Christians’ desire to merely mate with them while they are still young. Jut ask Phil Robertson.
James Watt, who served as Secretary of the Interior under a president who thought trees caused pollution, said, “We don’t have to protect the environment, the Second Coming is at hand.” Thirty plus years later, we wonder how long that hand is. We also have an expanded vocabulary thanks to the ministrations of Watt — ‘Superfund,’ the program which adds a tax on consumers’ gas and heating fuel to pay for corporate chemical messes.
Demeaning women is certainly nothing new from the Right. Pat Buchanan serves up this tidbit of misogyny during his bid for a presidential nomination in 1983, “Rail as they will about ‘discrimination,’ women are simply not endowed by nature with the same measures of single-minded ambition and the will to succeed in the fiercely competitive world of Western capitalism.” Yes, we women know nothing of business, or managing money, and lack any sort of ambition. Someone needs to notify the CEO of IBM, the CEO of Yahoo, and the person responsible for leading Facebook through an IPO, STAT.
Televangelist and one-time presidential hopeful Pat Robertson once said, “I know one man who was impotent who gave AIDS to his wife and the only thing they did was kiss.” We’re suddenly having Alyson Hannigan flashbacks. “This one time…at church camp…”
Baldwin also used the bully pulpit on ‘Big Brother UK’ to preach about evolution. Watch here while Richard Dawkins hands Baldwin a steaming pile of shutthehellup.
And no list like this would be complete without our all-time favorite crazy famous “Christian,” Mel Gibson. Here’s a rant where he demeans his then girlfriend and baby-mama Oksana Gregorieva, all women, and black people in less than 10 seconds. That’s a record…or something.
”If you get raped by a pack of n****rs it’ll be your fault, all right? Because you provoked it. You are provocatively dressed all the time with your fake boobs you feel you have to show off, and your tight outfits and your tight pants and stuff . You see your p***y from behind. And that green thing today was enough. That’s provocative!”
In another phone call he says “You should just smile and blow me.”