Conservatives embrace imperfect people, according to Jordan D. Haskins, candidate for the Michigan Legislature. Haskins, a Christian and a Tea Partier running in a heavily Democratic district, says that he has dreams, and that he “wants to make a difference.” And while it seems like he believes he has the spark to win, reality suggests the convicted felon is a few cylinders shy of a complete engine block.
He found his passion for conservative politics after a 20-month stretch in the state prison, following a series of felony convictions:
According to police reports, Haskins said he jumped a fence at the city of Saginaw’s parking lot at 1435 S. Washington on Jan. 7, 2011. He told sheriff’s deputies in a later interview that he went joyriding in the parking lot and masturbated in a city police cruiser and a city pickup, the report shows.
On Jan. 24, 2011, according to police reports, Haskins jumped a chain-link fence and opened a garage door at Scientific Brake, 314 W. Genesee. Then he drove a truck on the grounds, he told police. Again, police reports state he admitted to “listening to the engine idle and masturbating.”
Haskins, who describes himself as a Christian, is surely familiar with the old saying that “idle engines are the Devil’s tool.”
According to The Saginaw News, Haskin’s numerous criminal charges stem from trespassing on both public and private property, from April 2010 to January 2011. As part of the break-ins, he would start vehicles to “facilitate an uncommon sexual fetish Haskins called ‘cranking’ in interviews with police.”
Most of his crimes were auto- and theft-related, according to Gawker. It wasn’t until he moved to Michigan from North Carolina that he discovered his first passion:
Haskins admitted to police that, on both occasions, he broke into the yard where vehicles were parked, incident reports from the Saginaw County Sheriff’s Department show. He said he pulled spark plug wires on sheriff, mosquito control and other vehicles parked there.
“Jordan would remove the spark plug wires and sit in the car and masturbate while the motor was sparking and making noises,” the police report states.
Haskins was charged with additional misdemeanor offenses related to a third incident at the mosquito control property in October 2010.
According to that incident report, Haskins again said that he damaged county vehicles by pulling spark plug wires to “masturbate while cranking the engine.” Deputies said he told them the act is a sexual fetish he learned about online.
Even if he doesn’t win the election, Haskins has another reason to look forward to election day: November is his last month on parole.
To help sponsor his campaign, he’s opened a GoFundMe account and has netted a whopping $115.00, which probably wasn’t enough to pay his bail the first time he got arrested.
He does, however, have good news for everyone. According to his GoFundMe page:
Fellow Conservatives and Christians, just got my official acceptance letter to the National Alumni Patriot Academy in Austin, TX for 2014. If you have not contributed to my fundraising efforts to attend next year, here is the link for you to do so. I encourage you to support my going back, as I am learning much on how to be a leader in the Conservative movement. God has blessed this Patriot Academy movement, it is in 5 states. I hope to see it one day in Michigan, so that we can reach our young people with this great event.
His goal is $850.00, and the last update was 6 months ago. He’s no more likely to succeed at getting his goal than he is to succeed at getting off to a diesel engine. He has faith in conservatism, though. Real conservatism, according to Haskins, is “about grit, hard work, loyalty and traditional values. Your family values,” and for Haskins, “The three values that make up my stool of conservatism are faith, family and freedom. And I believe that many of the citizens of Saginaw share those same values.”
Bravo, Mr. Haskins — I can’t think of a better way to describe conservatism than “stool.”