While our friends in the world of right-wing politics and their allies on hillbilly television like Phil Robertson spend their time spouting off Jesus fan fiction, one woman has taken a different approach toward indoctrinating her children into a deluded, self-serving, hateful worldview: Harry F@#$ing Potter.
“Grace Ann,” who has thus far completed six chapters of her own version of Harry Potter, explained her motivation: her children want to read Harry Potter, but she doesn’t want them “turning into witches.”
“Hello, friends! My name is Grace Ann. I’m new to this whole fanfiction thing; but recently, I’ve encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I’m happy for them to be reading; but I don’t want them turning into witches! So I thought….. why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly? And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you!” Grace Ann wrote in the introduction to the riveting first chapter of Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles.
Chapter 1 introduces us to poor Harry, who doesn’t live under the stairs and is inexplicably permitted to answer the door by his evil, atheist, Dawkins-loving Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon. Hagrid, who is introduced as a door-to-door religion peddler, arrives just in time to dispel the silly notion of evolution Harry picked up from “the Dawkins” and whisk him away to become a neoconservative Christian!
Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle. He was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores; but he felt that there was something missing in his life. Something big and special; but he could not quite name it. He stayed up every night; and wished for this special something; but then one day, there was a knock at his door-and everything changed.
“Answer the door, Harry!” his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolatey brownies in the oven.
Shouldn’t you be doing that? Harry thought; but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away. He turned the brass, metal doorknob; and pulled open the heavy, wooden door.
On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair. He wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a lowercase T. Just looking at Harry feel happy, peaceful somehow; but he couldn’t say why!
“Good morning, kiddo,” the man greeted amiably; and smiled at Harry. He had the peaceful, friendly sort of face you just knew you could trust. “My name is Hagrid. Could I speak to your mommy and daddy?”
“I don’t have a mommy or daddy,” Harry replied sadly; and looked at his raggedy, old shoes that were blue. Perhaps that was why he felt so lonely, he thought, not for the first time. Maybe that was what he was missing-a mommy and daddy. But no, that was not quite right.
“I am so sorry to hear that!” Hagrid uttered empathetically.
“You can speak with my auntie and uncle,” Harry retorted politely; and blinked his big, blue, childlike eyes.
“What do you want?” Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit.
“Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved,” Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat.
Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots. “Saved? Don’t tell me you are you one of those Christians?”
Harry did not know what that word meant; but Hagrid’s smile was the most peaceful smile he had ever seen. It made Harry feel warm and happy inside just seeing the glowing, radiant grin on the kind, friendly stranger’s face. He wondered why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not smile like that…
“Yes, I am,” Hagrid replied kindly. “Are you?”
Aunt Petunia laughed again; and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. “We are too smart for that. Haven’t you read Dawkins? God is dead! Dawkins proved that. Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?”
“What is a Christian?” Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time.
“Christians are people who want to be good,” Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. “We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?”
Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.
“Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God.”
Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry’s young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven’t you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things.”
Hagrid laughed wisely. “Evolution is a fairytale. You don’t really believe that, do you?”
“Yes, I do!” Aunt Petunia screeched.
“Well then prove it!”
Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn’t even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!
“Tell me how to get to this heaven place!” Harry cried wistfully, clasping his hands together. Sometimes, the wisdom of little ones is really amazing. We think we grownups know it all; but then God speaks through the mouths of little ones; and shows us how we are all mortals struggling along the path of life. Humility.
“All you have to do is be saved. Do you want to be saved?”
“I do, I do!” Harry squealed, jumping up and down.
“Then pray the sinner’s prayer!”
Aunt Petunia tried to stop him; but she was powerless against Harry’s pure, innocent, holy energy. Soon, Harry had said the prayer. Hagrid beamed happily.
“You’re a Christian now, Harry!” Hagrid cried proudly.
Harry smiled but then interrogated, “But how do I be a Christian? I don’t know how!”
Hagrid grinned widely. “There is only one place to learn that-Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!”
Apparently, according to Grace Ann, the first chapter was a hit. She claims that she has received “so many thankful messages from mommies everywhere,” but some have decided to be a turd in the really stupid punch bowl. “However; I have also been getting several messages saying that my story is bad because Harry Potter is not just about witches; it is also about friendship and kindness and bravery,” she writes, “Friends: this is exactly what I have been saying! Harry Potter has many good things about it; but it still has witchcraft; so my children cannot read it. BUT that is why I am writing this! So they can have all the adventure and good morals of the Harry Potter books without all that bad stuff that is bogging it down. ”
In Chapter 2, Aunt Petunia, Vernon, and Dudley try in vain to further corrupt Harry by keeping him from attending Fundamentalist Hogwarts — and we’re treated to a meeting with Reverend Albus Dumbledore!
Hagrid beamed widely. He had been praying so hard to save a soul today; and he was so happy to have saved the soul of such a sweet, earnest little one. The poor boy, being raised by two parents who were not Christian; and who both went to work and left him with a babysitter all day long. It was a good thing Hagrid had got here in time. Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist!
“Don’t be silly, Harry,” Aunt Petunia commanded; and wrung her long, bony hands. “Come back inside; I will read to you about Evolution from the Dawkins. You do not need that silly religion.”
Harry scrunched up his innocent little face; and thought very hard. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were as close to parents as he had; and this was the only home he knew. Could he really leave? But-he was saved now. He had prayed the Sinner’s Prayer. He could not stay here not anymore not with what he knew now. Suddenly, he knew what he had to do.
“No, Aunt Petunia,” he uttered calmly with childlike wisdom. “Evolution is not real. And I am going to Hogwarts.”
“No, no, Harry,” Aunt Petunia screeched desperately. “I have an idea. You can have a second birthday today. You like birthdays, right?”
“Birthdays are not of God,” Harry verbalized knowingly; and looked at his aunt with an innocent wisdom. “You tried to corrupt me; but it did not work. But I forgive you, Aunt Petunia; because of Luke 23:34.”
Hagrid was amazed once again at the wisdom of little ones. He did not know if he could forgive someone who had hurt him as much as this woman had hurt little Harry. Deny him the truth? Who could be so cruel? But Harry did not even think twice about it. He forgave-just like that! Truly, Hagrid gained a new understanding of Matthew 19:14 that day.
“Do not leave, Harry!” Dudley wailed childishly.
“I must,” Harry said; and stepped over the threshold. “Goodbye, Dursleys. I hope you are saved too one day.”
And with that, he and Hagrid began to walk down Private Drive.
“How will we get to this school, Hagrid?” Harry queried curiously.
“We will pray,” Hagrid retorted knowledgeably.
“How do we do that?” Harry solicited inquisitively.
“Watch,” Hagrid said; and then got down on his knees on the road. He motioned for Harry to get down on his knees too. Hagrid raised his hands to the heavens; and cried out in a deep, thunderous voice, “Dear Lord, take us to Hogwarts!”
Harry felt himself being whisked away; and in a moment, he was sitting in the cool, damp grass outside a humongous, beautiful castle. He looked in awe at the tall towers and the gray stones. What a beautiful place!
A tall, thin man with a long, pointed beard and big, wire spectacles stood in front of Harry. He was wearing a brown, tweed suit and a nice, matching hat. His shoes were made of leather and polished until they shone. He had a smile much like Hagrid’s smile. So peaceful, Harry just knew he could trust him! A lovely, kindly young woman with flowing blonde hair and a pleasant, heart-shaped face stood beside this holy man.
“Hello, there, little one,” the man greeted amicably. “I am the Reverend Albus Dumbledore, and this is my wife, Minerva. Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!”
Hogwarts comes off like an extremist “Christian” cult as this ridiculous tale continues. Chapter 3 treats us to dinnertime, where Reverend Dumbledore summons dinner with the power of prayer™. For some reason, Hermione is Reverend Dumbledore’s “daughter,” and in Chapter 4 we’re treated to a healthy dose of the male-dominated world of fundamentalist Christianity:
“You look like you could use a good night’s sleep,” the reverend’s wife commented daintily. “How would you like to move into your dormitory?”
“I would love to!” Harry cried cheerfully. He was so excited to become a student here; and he was so grateful for the opportunities the Lord had given him. Sometimes, people who have done without are the most grateful!
“Hermione, why don’t you show our newest student to the dormitory?” Dumbledore suggested wisely.
“I’d love to, daddy,” Hermione replied obediently with an innocent, girlish smile; and got to her feet; and smoothed out the skirt of her becoming, pink frock. “Should I clean the kitchen first?”
“I can take care of that tonight,” the reverend’s wife answered indulgently; and she was already beginning to clear the elegant, porcelain dishes.
“Thank you, mommy!” Hermione shouted gratefully; and she walked over to Harry. “Would you please come with me?”
Harry blushed shyly; and got to his feet. His aunt had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls. She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn’t care about her looks; but it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was! A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord; because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair. Taking care of that is important! Harry got the feeling that Hermione was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.
The fourth chapter continues, and through Hermione we are introduced to the main antagonist: Barack Obama!
“Wait, Harry!” Hermione uttered quickly. “There’s something you should know.”
“What is it?” Harry queried questioningly.
“My father says that dark times are coming,” Hermione spoke worriedly. “There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for. He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely.”
“But that is what our founding fathers built this nation for!” Harry cried indignantly. “The freedom of religion!”
“Voldemort doesn’t care,” Hermione remarked sadly; and she shook her head. “And he is gaining power. The freedom of Christians to practice our faith is disappearing by the day. Soon, it will be like it was in Rome.” Lovely, ladylike tears began to roll down her delicate, terrified face. “And I don’t like lions!”
“It will be alright,” Harry reassured manfully. “We will just need to pray really, really hard! That’s why we’re here, after all.”
In Chapters 5 and 6, we’re treated to an incredibly insane introduction to Grace Ann’s version of the Hogwarts Houses:
“So,” Harry began nervously; and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon. “What Sorting Hat do you think you will choose?”
“Oh, I will definitely choose Slytherin,” Ronald declared confidently; and he began to eat his oatmeal with his hands. “My whole family is Slytherins.” He gestured to the countless redheads sitting at the table; and they all turned to Harry and smiled and waved. “You should become a Slytherin, too! We could do it together!”
“Hm,” Harry uttered ponderously; and he took a bite of eggs. “Why don’t you tell me about what Slytherins believe?”
“Sure!” Ronald replied ecstatically; and he kept eating his oatmeal. “Well, first of all, we believe in the Bible.”
“That is wonderful!” Harry reacted happily; and he took a sip of his orange juice. “I do as well. Perhaps I could be a Slytherin after all?”
“But wait-that is not all!” Ronald continued excitedly; and washed his oatmeal down with milk. “Gryffindor Hats believe in the Bible, too. But Slytherins have even more. We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person, and a whole panel of Slytherin Hats to tell us what to do.”
Harry furrowed his innocent, childish brow; and he took another bite of oatmeal; and he questioned confusedly, “Why do you need all that if you have the Bible?”
Ronald guffawed; and he shoveled more oatmeal into his mouth; and he replied, “Why only have the Bible when you can have more? Why, that would be like only praying to God!”
Harry gasped in horror as he bit into more bacon. “Of course I only pray to God! Who else would I pray to?”
“What about Mary?” Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. “You have to at least worship to her!”
“You mean the mommy of Our Lord?” Harry demanded in scandal; and he chewed his bacon. “I don’t worship her?”
“Well, then, God hates you!” Ron stated simply; and pieces of bacon flew out of his mouth as he did so.
Harry was tentative; since he was new to this whole Christianity thing; but he did not think God would hate him for not worshipping His mommy. On the contrary: he had a hunch that God wanted people to only worship Him.
“Don’t listen to him,” commented a drowsy voice self-righteously from behind Harry.
Harry turned around; and he saw a girl about his own age. Her pale yellow hair was tied into braids; and she wore a tie-dye shirt and faded jeans and flowers in her hair. “Peace” signs and donkey patches were sewn all over her clothes.
“You should not become a Slytherin Hat,” the girl continued confidently; and she was eating what looked like it was supposed to be bacon; but it did not smell or taste like bacon. It missed that smokey, meaty taste that bacon is supposed to have. Instead, it tasted like vegetables blended together and died red. Yuck! Harry would take real bacon over that any day of the week. “They are far too strict.”
Harry hmmed skeptically. He was not sure about this whole Slytherin business; but the word “strict” was not what came to mind!
“You should become a Hufflepuff Hat,” the girl instructed arrogantly; and continued to nibble at her breakfast. “That’s what I’m going to do.”
“What do Hufflepuff Hats believe in?” Harry pondered aloud; and he took a bite of his real bacon. Oh, how he wanted to find the true Hat!
“Hufflepuff Hats believe in the Bible; but only some of it,” Luna explained casually; and she was still feeding on that stuff. “We don’t believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism; but we really like Matthew 7:1; and that’s about it. We’re really fun and we seem really nice and really tolerant as long as you agree with us!”
Cue Draco Malfoy, and perhaps the worst argument ever about the worth of women:
“Please, ignore this fool,” Draco drawled smugly. “Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she’s a woman; and women are stupid.”
Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!
“Women shouldn’t not have careers because women are stupid!” Harry shouted indignantly. “Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!”
Draco gasped tentatively. “You are diluting the truth! Women are beneath men!”
“No, I’m not!” Harry fired back bravely. “You are twisting the truth so you can be mean with it! Women are not beneath men! Men and women are just different!”
Luna smiled at him gratefully.
Only six chapters have been written thus far, but one thing is obvious: we truly pity this woman’s children. One wonders if the author has actually read Harry Potter. In any case, one thing is certain: This woman’s children will grow up believing that atheist socialists want to kill Christianity because Richard Dawkins and Barack Obama want to usher in a time of darkness in which “Christians” are heavily persecuted.
Grace Ann is pushing a warped version of our nation’s history — including the tired “America is a Christian nation” lie on her children, who will likely grow up as devout Tea Partiers.
If anything, this distorted retelling of Harry Potter will serve as a case study in fundamentalist idiocy, and a chilling reminder that many of the more “die-hard” right-wing conservatives are willing to rewrite history, ignore facts, and push an illogical and downright frightening agenda on children for no better reason than to reinforce their own twisted worldview.
We’re not sure if we should thank Stephen D. Foster at Addicting Info for introducing us to this atrocity, or if we should track him down…and pummel him with pillowcases full of phone books.