You know what makes Israel our number one best ally in the Middle East? Franchising. For instance, remember that one time we invaded the wrong country on the auspices that it was a nuclear threat, when our own intelligence apparatus said it wasn’t? Remember when the chickenhawks who stood to profit from conquest and a massive buildup of the military industrial complex spent the next decade fearmongering us into continuing said unwinnable war indefinitely? Yeah, funny thing about that.
You might remember back in 2012 when Binyamin “The George W. Cheney of Israel” Netanyahu told the world that its arch nemesis Iran was one year away from building a nuclear bomb. The display was dramatic at the UN in New York, with Prime Minister Glenn Beck holding up a paper chart with a big bomb drawn on it to illustrate how close Iran was to going nuclear.
Holy YAHWEH! We’re at 90 PERCENT of the way to Armageddon!?!
Send in the drones!!
Yeah. Except none of that was true at all.
Just a few weeks later, a secret report from Israel’s own Mossad intelligence group made its way to South Africa via cable. Which surprisingly, is still a thing. Stand by while we check the stock ticker and telegraph; we’re expecting a load of ivory on a steamship any minute now.
Here’s an excerpt from that Massad report, evidently printed using highly advanced dot-matrix technology:
In other words, while Iran is enriching uranium, it’s nowhere close to producing the 90 percent U-235 necessary to make weapons-grade material. It’s obvious that they are working toward that — most functioning reactors require only about 3 to 4 percent enriched uranium, and the only reason to go higher than that would be if you were working toward building a bomb.
Or, if you were using it for a powerful research reactor like the Tehran Research Reactor — which, fun fact, the United States gave to Iran in 1967 for the production of medical isotopes, and was due to run out of fuel in 2009. The TRR takes the exact 20 percent enriched uranium mentioned in the report, which is the primary reason Iran has been enriching the uranium to those levels.
The 5 megawatt reactor consumes about (pardon the metric) 13 kilograms of fuel per year; given the current stockpile of 20-percent U-235 Iran has produced in the last three years, it has about enough fuel to run the TRR somewhere between 10 and 40 years. In other words, significantly less time than it has been running since it went into operation. That might prove important for them in the near future, considering the fact that the P5+1 powers are no longer selling them the fuel they need to keep the reactor running.
Regardless, there are many more aspects to this, and a more than a few highly technical steps to go through before that 20-percent uranium can be turned into the 90-percent weapons-grade uranium needed to build a bomb. It’s possible Iran is working on those things, though — in much the same way it’s possible that Google is building giant Battle Mechs a thousand feet under San Francisco Bay.
But the primary point is this: There’s no evidence Iranian nuclear bombs pose any greater threat in the foreseeable future than G+ equipped jaegers flattening L.A. while battling Kaiju. And, as PM Netanyahu has known for years from his own intelligence agency, there’s every bit of evidence to the contrary. About the bombs, not Google Mechs.
Still, it’s nice to see America’s take on invading other countries franchised out so neatly. If our friends have their way, there’s no telling how many of our own atrocities could be replicated by allies near and abroad. We’ve already franchised out atrocities in war, homophobia, Islamophobia and pop culture.
Let’s just know where to draw the line.