In churches and megachurches and shopping malls and under trees and in people’s own living rooms today, Christmas celebrations took place where people spoke with one another and even exchanged gifts of various sorts, enjoying the time with those around them as best as they can and generally enjoying the holiday.
This comes as welcomed news as the dark annual specter of an end-times global war for the celebration once again painted shadows so dark, that not even the lights of Christmas trees and menorahs combined could shine through. With daily terror threat levels going into the ultraviolet ends of the color spectrum, many in the media took to talking about it as though there might not be a Christmas this year…
But defying the predictions of these intellectual juggernauts of news media and opinion, Christmas it seems, had managed to slip below the miles of razor wire set out by the armies of secular Festivus, navigate the mine fields of satirical atheist pasta deities and somehow sneak past the armies of militant sourpuss atheist liberals who swore to put any who uttered the words “Merry Christmas” into prison, and upon doing so, found its way to somehow happening in full form, all across the globe.
Early predictions for the war on Christmas came first this year, when images of turkeys pointing finger feathers at Santa Claus, observed by an associate producer at some various cable news station at a gas station, made it clear that holiday tension between the holidays themselves was already in full effect. From there, the war went into full swing, when in a shock-and-awe move, some individuals as well as a number of businesses, exposed their sinister plans to destroy the holiday by saying and even printing “Happy Holidays.”
The exact numbers of those killed and wounded in the riots and conflicts which ensued are expected to remain at zero, as none of that ever happened and it was all just made up nonsense. However many observers of the increasingly bitter culture war worry about the outlying outposts on the fringe of the battlefield, who no matter how much time has passed, will remain to keep fighting the battle that never really was.