HomeHumorBizarre Christian Anti-Fapping Video Compares Self-Pleasurers to Wounded Soldiers, Codenamed: Wounded on the Battlefield (Video)

Bizarre Christian Anti-Fapping Video Compares Self-Pleasurers to Wounded Soldiers, Codenamed: Wounded on the Battlefield (Video)

“The temptations of the great war are many, the battles are real, and the enemy is clever. The enemy is cruel, ruthless, and relentless. We must not underestimate the danger. We must be vigilant and valiant…” Rhetoric like this must be leading up to something awful. That can only mean…

Yes, it’s that time again! Yet another deluded religious group has decided to tackle a moral issue plaguing our nation: a lot of people are *GASP* pleasuring themselves. The video, which refers to the “temptation” of self-pleasure as “The Great War,” begins with a man innocently browsing through “online por-no-graph-ia” and apparently enjoying himself with the door wide open (because people do that).

As the video explains, all of this “confused” man’s roommates know about his habit (probably because he leaves the door wide open) but do nothing to “help” him. His addiction has led him to cease going to church, and there is “darkness” in his eyes.

Somehow, his immersion into the seedy world of self-pleasure transports him to a battlefield, where he lies (spiritually) wounded, alone, and desperate for somebody to help him. Most pass by him, most ignore his plight — but one brave soldier dashes over to rescue him.  “How does he rescue him,” you ask?

Why, he spreads the fact that he touches himself all over God’s creation and turns him into the church, that’s how! Only by performing this heroic action can you be sure to shame your friends into not self-pleasuring anymore.

“Don’t be silent. Don’t leave the wounded on the battlefield.” If you see someone touching their naughty bits, get involved!

Watch this ridiculous thing, which the original host removed from the internet after Dusty Smith ripped it to shreds in this video.

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About John Prager

John Prager
John Prager is an unfortunate Liberal soul who lives uncomfortably in the middle of a Conservative hellscape and likes to refer to himself as an "island of reason in a sea of insanity." While he is not a fan of politicians, period, he has developed a deep-seated hatred for the bigotry, fear mongering, and lies of the Right Wing. John also works as a warden at one of Barry Soetoro's FEMA re-education camps and as a HAARP weather control coordinator. He can be reached at [email protected] if you have any questions or comments.
  • Will

    lol

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  • Dorian

    Why is there an ad for conservative books that “drives liberals mad?”

    • D. King

      So you see them, too, Dorian? I hate the right-wing ads associated with this website!

      • AATTP

        Unfortunately, Google chooses the ads based on keywords used in articles — which means it picks the wrong ones oftentimes. When we see ads that are not right for our audience, we request that they not be shown anymore. Feel free to let us know what the offending URLs are and we’ll ask that they be removed.

        Thanks.

  • Jon Gibbs

    How stupid is this.

  • http://Schulze Connie

    I’m just here for the comments, and you have not disappointed me. lmao

  • https://www.facebook.com/phil.bolton.79 Phil Bolton

    This seems like such a miserable way to live your life.

  • Royce

    If you’re going to do a video like this, with “soldiers” dressed in WW II era US Army helmets and uniforms, don’t put Communist Chinese or Soviet issued SKS semi-automatic assault rifles in their hands. Ruined the whole video for me.

  • Jamie

    If your roommate watches porn with the door open in that creepy hypnotized way, you should just go ahead and move. That’s the kinda kid whose gonna put a pipe bomb in the mailbox.

  • Natalie

    Silly, women don’t like sex. They use it to keep a man happy. It’s why women should never ever have sex before marriage because then they are giving up the only reason a man has to commit to them – the promise of sex.

    • https://plus.google.com/113374625046097420510 Anna Sefalik

      Buwaaahaaaahaaaa! Good one.

  • http://www.backyardbabble.com.blogspot.com irishconnell

    So does this also apply to those “poor soldiers” that touch other people nasty bits.

  • Simone Sanner

    you notice that they never make videos this explicit about women masturbating? I think that’s because half the congregation would walk out of the viewing halls with stiffies and the teenage boys would fap so hard there’d be a run on the local hardware stores for ceiling paint.

  • Kevan Scott

    Simone, That’s why you keep the damn door closed, like 99.9% of people do-for anything private! Assuming that someone is going to leave the door open-well, that makes an ass out of the video makers, not you or me!

    • Simone Sanner

      Mormon missionaries usually share a bedroom to save on expenses. They have to pay for the cost of their mission themselves. So, yeah, send a young man far away from home and put him in a room with another guy, no privacy, and then tell him fapping gets him sent to Hell and separated from his family for all time. That’s gonna go well, right??

      When I lived in Utah I had more than one missionary break down in tears because they were so heart broken and homesick. I have zero nice things to say about this cult.

  • https://www.facebook.com/gary.harryman.9 Gary Harryman

    This video is so fucking hot!!!

  • don

    Bro eye contact and secret nods,,,yeahhhhhhhhhhhh…we know where THAT’S going…

    • Simone Sanner

      Sitting on a bed, together, a hand casually placed on the other guy’s shoulder, an occasional soft smile, while having a religious discussion about fapping. Seriously I thought this was going to get freaky at any moment.

    • Anna Sefalik

      This was–in EVERY sense of the word–the gayest thing I’ve seen all week.

  • Simone Sanner

    So, for real, the enemy is a bunch of guys in camo, and not girls in camo bikinis? Okay.

    This attitude of ‘your sexuality is sin’ is why Utah has the highest suicide rate among males teenage men in the country. Congratulations on that, I guess. The LDS campaign against fapping is winning. The campaign against suicide, notsomuch.

    • LiberalConstitutionalist

      Hahaha Nice!

  • https://www.facebook.com/laurie.neufeld.79 Laurie Neufeld

    Wow. It’s like a living, breathing Chick Tract!

  • D. King

    Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh dear me, that’s the funniest video I’ve seen in years!

    Just remember, make love, not war (even if it’s to yourself), and only YOU can prevent forest fires!

  • Sgt. Jeffery Humphrey

    As a wounded veteran and a purple heart recipient I find this oddly arousing. I think Ill go pleasure my self now and remember all my fallen brothers and sisters who died so jerk offs like this can brain wash children into so much self hate that they (and this guy is the head of the Mormon University) openly talk about this and use my buddies sacrifices in a manner to bring dishonor and disrespect on their memories. Screw your god and his bastard son for overwhelmingly fing up humanity for the past 1700 yrs.

  • http://twitter.com/GreenEyedLilo Jayelle (@GreenEyedLilo)

    What if your friend who self-pleasures isn’t battling anything, and understands that it’s a perfectly natural thing to do (with the door closed if you have roommates)?

    • Simone Sanner

      If you get caught fapping while out on a mission, the LDS church excommunicates you. When that happens, your family is pressured by the local bishop into disowning you and breaking ties.

  • https://www.facebook.com/scooter.livingston Scooter Livingston

    Only a real jerkoff would make a video like this

  • http://facebook/paulfredine paul fredine

    i would think they’d be very much against someone stepping in “to help him” or is it only if the help doesn’t involve marriage. this is so beyond ridiculous! whoever put this out must be one frustrated and horny s.o.b. did it have a soundtrack? might i suggest “every sperm is sacred”? if you’re going for stupid, you might as well go all the way!

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