Wondering what you’ll do with your beloved pets when Jesus comes and raptures you up to heaven? For just a $10 fee, After the Rapture Pet Care claims they’ll hook Kitty up with their vast network of Hell-bound volunteers to care for their saved Christian neighbors’ pets.
(NOTE: Everything you are about to see is 100 percent real and authentic. Quotes are taken directly from the After the Rapture website, and all products and services offered are really, actually and legitimately for sale. Nothing has been digitally, visually, contextually or spiritually altered from its original state. Please feel free to, without doubt, cynicism or hesitation, exclaim “WHAT THE F**K” at will.)
To be honest, we’re not entirely sure if this is the most sincerely exploitative scam ever created, or the most elaborate atheist troll we’ve ever seen. But one thing’s for sure, After the Rapture Pet Care is happy to take any dollar from any paranoid-schizophrenic cat lady’s disability check, any time of day.
According the About Us page, After the Rapture started out as a conversation between Lansing, Michigan’s Sharon Moss and a “non-believer” friend named Carol about what would happen to Sharon’s pet “Petey” when the Rapture came for her. It was agreed that Carol, being Hellbound, would take Petey off her hands. From the site:
A couple weeks later Carol came back and suggested we start After The Rapture Pet Care together. She said she had asked several Christian friends the same question she’d asked me, and every one of them would pay for a service to ensure the care of their pets after the Rapture. I had also asked some fellow Christians their thoughts. In every case they wished there was a way to prepare for their pets’ survival. The key was, it had to be a legitimate service run by sincere people, not the Atheist-run joke sites that appear from time to time online. Carol and I were the perfect team for this mission.
However, another part of the site gives a slightly different telling of After the Rapture’s origins:
The idea came from seeing someone else’s joke. An atheist created a site in England that said she’d take care of Christian-owned pets after the Rapture, and asked for 70 pounds as a “donation.” She promoted it as a joke, and it virally made the rounds amongst non-believers who enjoy making fun of Christians. My husband saw it (he’s an Internet geek) and told me about it. Admittedly, it seemed funny. I told my friend, Carol, who is not a Christian, and she brought up a question: “Hey, if you get raptured, what happens to Petey?” It was an excellent question, and I didn’t have an answer.
So, now: British woman makes a joke about exploiting religious ignorance, ignorant religious American takes it seriously, and amoral atheist American says “Hey, you’ve got stupid friends, right?”
Watch After the Rapture Pet Care’s unintentionally hilarious video.
The duo even created a promotional video, with the requisite biblical quotes, Getty Art stock photos and ominous-sounding violin concerto:
For just $10, After the Rapture Pet Care will find a Hell-bound volunteer to care f
According to the website, the ladies first began charging a monthly fee for the service, but were unfairly accused of “running a scam.” So they dropped that, and tried using Google AdSense to make money, but “a lot of anti-Christian jerks started submitting fake memberships and cluttering up our database.” (Or, you know…maybe AdSense doesn’t always pay the bills.)
So we have settled on charging a one-time 10 dollar registration fee to discourage fake sign-ups, while being only a small amount for serious people.
It all sounds so simple! But, as with all great plans, there are bound to be some logistical issues. Like, first and foremost…who’s watching fluffy while I’m in Heaven looking down and grinning at all the burning sinners? Can I find out who’s in this “massive network of volunteers” who are getting my $10 registration fee?
We have promised our Pet Caretakers that we will keep their information strictly confidential. If they thought their information would be given out, or that Christians might try to pressure them to become Christians, they simply would not sign up.
Ah. Well, good to know my Pre-Rapture investment will be well-spent among a group of people whose names you won’t disclose, and who may or may not exist. But won’t it be hard to organize the atheist petsitters when Niccolae Carpathia comes to power?
When all the Christians on the planet disappear, there will certainly be massive confusion. However, the majority of people will still be on earth, and communications will be their first priority to maintain. Therefore, I believe it will not be a problem to coordinate activities to rescue and care for your pets. As far as the data about all registered pets, it is located on Google servers (the most secure servers in the world) as well as our own server in Lansing, Michigan (away from political and military hot spots to minimize chance of destruction if there is a post-Rapture war). The non-Christian administrators assigned to coordinate our efforts after we’re gone are also located in multiple locations, all with log in information.
Well, even in the End Times, we can always count on Google. Wait…there might be something to that. Note to self, next investment: Google Hell.
Now, at this point, especially after seeing the After the Rapture merchandise for sale above, you HAVE to be saying to yourself
“No way. Just…no…way. There is no way this can’t be some amazingly meta, seventh-level hipster practical joke. this is a merchanising thing…right? Because as of right now, I want THIS shirt more than life itself…”
And you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
That is The Greatest Shirt in Human History. And if you’re a fan of face-punching irony, then we strongly suggest visiting the After the Rapture Gear Store.
But, all jokes aside, there is a darker reality here.
Best-case scenario, After the Rapture is a hoax perpetrated by a couple of atheists, a merchandising endeavor of beautiful and subtly epic proportions. Conceptually brilliant, if so. But even then, there are two problems.
1) The cat ladies sending their money in to these hoaxers don’t know that. The website seems utterly sincere.
2) People actually believe this stuff.
We’re all for a good joke, if that’s what this is — but the merchandise would still sell without exploiting the ignorance of deluded death cultists. And doing so accomplishes nothing because they’re not in on the joke. And they’re multiplying.
Consider this: Not only is evolution being called into question in schools in a way that it hasn’t been almost since it was postulated, but big Hollywood studios and actors are beginning to see that even death cultists have money. Evidence the soon-to-be-released reboot of that classic Christian Revenge Porn series, Left Behind…starring none other than Nicolas Cage. You can see the trailer below.
Religious fundamentalism…apocalyptic cults…death to any society. They grow like a choking vine along the ignorant and disenfranchised, the hateful and cast aside. They promise a world in which confusion and pain are replaced by sweet vengeance upon the world at large, and anything that supports these notions either spiritually or financially via the endless greed of corporate consumerism does nothing but precipitate the downfall of reason, and threaten to shove a holy, burning blade through the heart of human achievement.
Now…to PayPal. I’m pretty sure I’ve got $38 in there…