So, Governor Rick “Sneaky Sweeping Abortion Law” Perry is not going to run for a fourth term in Texas. Time for the people in the Lone Star State to celebrate, but we all know that Three-Agency Perry will be back. It’s pretty much considered a lock by pundits on all sides that barring a brain injury that would almost assuredly raise his IQ and make him unrecognizable to the general public, Governor Perry will indeed be running for president in 2016. Now, normally I have a strict rule that forbids hypothesizing about presidential elections so far out, but in this case, it’s just too tantalizing not to think about.
Perry was the train wreck of all train wrecks in last year’s cavalcade of terrible Republican primary candidates. His speech was often slurred, he couldn’t remember key points of his rhetoric during nationally televised debates, and he just looked completely over-matched the last time around. So how will he fare this time? Terribly, of course. Let’s just say for the sake of me writing this piece that he does make it through the primary and gets the GOP nomination in 2016. Who will be his running mate? I believe I have five great candidates for the Haircut in a Suit to choose from.
#5. Sarah Palin
The Empty Alaskan already hinted that she’s considering re-entering politics to run for the Senate next year. That would of course make me — and everyone else who spends a considerable amount of time looking for stupid and wrong things politicians say to make fun of — extremely happy. But why stop at the Senate? Sure, she was exposed as a vapid and useless politician when John McCain tapped her for the same role in 2008, but so much has changed since then. Besides, what better way for Perry look smart than to put him next to literally one of the two stupidest people on the American political scene? And speaking of that…
#4. Michele Bachmann
Clearly the country is not ready for President Michele Bachmann. The soon-to-be-departing Tea Party Queen is under some hot water for her own debacle of a 2012 presidential campaign’s financial improprieties. That should not preclude her from being considered as a potential Rick Perry running mate. They’re both religious fundamentalists, homophobes, and both have no problem sending women back into the Dark Ages either. Oh, and if Sarah Palin would make Perry look smart by comparison, Bachmann would make him look like Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin and Marie Curie all rolled-up together.
#3. Louie Gohmert
Keeping on our theme of finding Republicans who actually make Perry look smart by comparison, we come to a fellow Texan who might also take the crown as the dumbest person in American politics. Gohmert is the TEAPublican who recently accused President Obama of being bigoted towards Christians in the military. He’s the Mensa candidate who — in a fit of rage while questioning Attorney General Holder — warned the AG not to “cast aspersions” on his “asparagus.” Yes. He actually said that. In a Congressional hearing. That was being filmed. How could Perry not at least give serious consideration to Gohmert? It’d be like reaching back into time and grabbing a dumber version of George Wallace to run with. Go for it Ricky!
#2. Ted Cruz
Senator Ted Cruz is a Republican, a Tea Party favorite, and in the short amount of time he’s been in Washington he’s pissed off everyone on both sides of the aisle. He’s smarmy, always has the smuggest look on his face, and he’s generally a large pain in the ass. He’s voted against the Violence Against Women Act, the Toomey-Manchin background check amendment, and pretty much every piece of legislation that’s hit the floor written by a Democrat. Of course, his ego is also so large he’d think he was the top-billed politico and Perry was his VP, but let them hash that out later.
#1. Dick Cheney
We all know Republicans want to win the White House back more than anything. So why not go back to the set up that worked best for them last time. A dim bulb from Texas with just the right combination of religious dogma-fueled rhetoric and a wink-in-your-face-while-I-stab-you-in-the-throat demeanor paired up with a power-hungry, vicious war monger as his Vice-President. After all, there are no term limits for VPs, and with Cheney’s newest bionic heart, we hear he can also travel back in time and save John Connor.