You’ve got to hand it to radical anti-choice right-wingers in this country. They will invent some amazing reasons to deny a woman dominion over her own reproductive health. The most recent and shining example of this level of derpitude comes from the great state of Texas, where Rep. Michael Burgess (R-TX) was arguing about a proposed anti-abortion bill on the House floor now that would make abortion illegal after twenty weeks. That move would decrease the window of time a woman had to get a legal abortion in this country, and would fly right in the face of Roe v. Wade. But a TEApublican congressman being against abortion isn’t the news story here. The story isn’t even really about him arguing to move the cutoff back to the 15th or 16th week. The story here is the reasoning that Burgess gave…that male fetuses masturbate in the womb.
“Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful. They stroke their face. If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to think that they could feel pain?”
This kind of comment would be alarming if not for how hilarious it is…or wait, maybe it’d be hilarious of not for how alarmingly ignorant it is, and to add insult to injury — Burgess is a former OB/GYN. Perhaps when Burgess went to med school masturbation was defined a little differently, but here on Earth, in the year 2013, we don’t consider embryonic or fetal movements around the area where the genitals are developed to be “masturbation,” and it’s still most definitely not an argument for medical viability of the fetus outside the mother’s womb…which is where the standard was set by Roe.
Watch this video captured by AmericaBLOG and uploaded to YouTube:
But if you thought Burgess’ claims of fetal masturbation were a hoot, you should see the notes he left behind from the House committee meeting where he made those claims. We found them* and here they are.
#5. Male Fetuses Are More Adept At Driving at High Speeds
As it turns out, according to Burgess, if you take a 12-week old male fetus and put him behind the wheel of a car he will in fact be able to navigate at incredibly high speeds. Just like when the male fetus is masturbating, you can see that at these early stages of development, their hands and limbs move incredibly fast. Burgess was also planning on forcing NASCAR to allow fetuses starting at 10-weeks to drive on their race circuit.
#4. Male Fetuses Can Hit The Curve
Burgess figures a lot of Americans would be against abortion if they knew what incredible athletes fetuses are. Burgess points to an unpublished and possibly completely fabricated but yet amazing story of little Timmy Masterson, who at just 18 weeks of development sat on a curveball from none other than Major League pitching great Billy “Tin Can” Magilicuddy and hit it over the left field pavilion at Wrigley Field during an exhibition game in the winter of 1973 as evidence that male fetuses even at an early age can be prodigious baseball players. Therefore who knows how many Hank Aarons and Babe Ruths we’re missing out on.
#3. Male Fetuses Are Incredible With Crossword Puzzles
Did you know the world champion crossword puzzler was a 20-week old fetus? He wasn’t. But boy wouldn’t it be great for Burgess’ point if it were? Ah, these are TEAPublicans we’re talking about here, facts don’t matter! So yes, the youngest world champion crossword puzzler was 20-weeks old and his name was Samuel…and he was also a fan of football and American Pie. At 20-weeks of development. It’s not you know, scientifically possible, but hey, you know, whatever.
#2. Male Fetuses Can Swim Olympic-Record Times
Think about it! This one is the closest thing to being true out of all of them! They live in a completely submerged environment, so you’d just figure they have to be great swimmers! Think about how many dominating Olympic performances in the 50m Butterfly we’re missing out on!
#1. Rep. Mike Burgess Is a Moron, And It Doesn’t Matter That Male Fetuses Can Touch Their Developing Genitalia Because That’s Not Really The Point, Is It?