Atheists are inhumane bastards who don’t have any respect for human life. Or at least that’s the sense I get about what Rep. Mike Conway (R-TX) thinks atheists are and believe. In a recent congressional hearing on whether or not the armed forces should allow atheists into the chaplain corps or not, the TEAPublican from Texas registered his objections to the notion when he proclaimed of atheists, “They don’t believe anything. I can’t imagine an atheist accompanying a notification team as they go into some family’s home to let them have the worst news of their life and this guy says…your son’s just worms, I mean, worm food.” That’s right, according to Rep. Conway atheists not only don’t believe in God, they also don’t believe in human compassion and only view other humans as lumps of flesh that will one day die and become worm food.
If you thought that comment was a doozey, you should read these other five “facts” about atheists that Rep. Mike Conway believes.
#5. Atheists Don’t Look Both Ways Before They Cross The Street
Imagine the unmitigated gall of those Godless heathens! Maybe they feel since life is all just some random collection of random events that it doesn’t matter if they get hit by a car because “that’s just how the Universe wanted it, man.” Clearly this disqualifies them to be crossing guards, traffic cops or anyone who works on or near a road. Conway is also fairly certain this disqualifies them from being able to drive, but he’s still looking into that one.
#4. Atheists Hate Baseball
People who don’t believe in God also hate baseball, according to Mike Conway. What this means is that obviously no atheist should ever be allowed a baseball stadium, much less to be an umpire or even sell hot dogs. And since baseball is America’s Pastime, this also clearly means that all atheists hate America and should be rounded up, put on an island somewhere and left to rot.
#3. Atheists Hate Babies Who Wear Cute Hats
When’s the last time you saw an atheist cooing over a baby who was wearing a hate shaped like a monkey’s face at your local mall, right in front of the Hot Dog on a Stick? Probably never, right? You’ve never seen that super-specific thing I just asked about. Sure you could say “That’s because it’s super-specific and I’m in my forties so I avoid malls like the plague.” But we all know the truth (as Conway (probably, maybe) sees it) — atheists hate babies in cute hats. And if they don’t, at least this theory makes just as much sense as the one that atheists have no human compassion.
#2. Atheists Commit All The Crime in the World
Oh, don’t go looking for any “statistics” or “facts” to back this one up. It’s just a gut feeling…like pretty much everything that Tea Party rhetoric is based on.
#1. Atheists Judge People They Know Nothing About and Therefore Generalize About All of Them in Really Appalling Ways
We all know atheists are the most judgey, preachy people on the planet. How many times has an atheist shown up on your door step, trying to hand you an atheist manifesto, er, I mean magazine, in an attempt to recruit you? How many times have you heard an atheist go on television and claim that all the floods, tornadoes, AIDS and cancer in the world are due to the fact that everyone’s out there praying and putting God in public schools? And finally, how many times have you seen an atheist member of the House of Representatives make a blanket statement about all Christians lacking human warmth and compassion? It happens all the time, right?