When Cumulus Media announced this week that they intended to stop syndicating Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity’s radio programs a tiny glimmer of hope was cracked open onto the political scene in America. If ever there were two voices that poisoned the masses against their fellow Americans, it’s these two epic windbags. Rush especially has honed his brand of incessant demagoguery, obfuscation and downright lies about liberals and our “sinister agenda” that he has helped create a generation of conservatives who have experienced life inside a bubble, an alternative universe where every Democratic president is a secret communist and gay people getting the right to marry each other will signal the end of Western civilization.
Industry insiders are saying this signals the beginning of the end for El Rushbo, and no one could be more pleased than me. But the fact is that Rush may need a little help finding a new job, and I believe I have five top-notch suggestions for him.
Ever since the passing of one comedy’s true icons, there has been a distinct dearth of movies with big heart and a big guy starring in them. Maybe if Rush goes through oh, I don’t know, five or ten decades of intense therapy he might lose just enough of his sociopathy to star in “Uncle Buck II: Electric Boogaloo.” We won’t hold our breaths though.
Sure, at first glance it seems like a really bad idea to send Rush out as our interplanetary representative. After all, do we really want higher-intelligence beings in the universe getting their first taste of Earth’s humanoids through this gastrointestinal rupture of a man? Probably not. But considering we don’t even have the technology to get him safely out of our solar system, I’d say it’s worth a shot, and besides we’ve already blasted monkeys into orbit, so why not shaved Orangutans?
If you’ve ever been to a mini-golf place you know that there’s always some kind of log on a chain swinging over the hole, or some kind of big obstacle you have to avoid in order to get your ball to its intended target. What better use for an old, stiff piece of political detritus that no one wants to hear from again? We can just stand up ol’ Rush in front of any one of his local putt-putt’s eighteen crazy holes of fun. For extra fun, we can tell him one of the holes has Oxycontin in it, and that’ll keep him moving from hole to hole.
**EASY JOKE WARNING**
I hear they’re finally going to get the third installment of “Ghostbusters” filmed in the next year or so. If Rush is looking for work this time, perhaps he can be hired to reprise the role of one of the first film’s most iconic characters…Zuul. You thought I was going to go with a fat joke and call him the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, huh? Shame on you. Or did I just manage to still slip that joke in but on a meta level? The world may never know.
#1. Chief Executive Officer of “Shut The F*ck Up Forever, Inc.”
When push comes to shove, I just hope against hope that when and if Rush does go away that he’ll truly just do that…go away. He won’t of course. He’s got an out-sized ego and even after he’s summarily dumped on his ass, he’ll find some outlet somewhere desperate enough to cash in on his notoriety and they’ll pay him to blow his crap all over the political spectrum, just in a smaller market. Though I suppose at the end of the day, just knowing that he’s been taken off his throne is a start.