Hallelujah! Hallelujah! (Sorry, just one more.) Hallelujah!
I’m not religious–I’m an atheist actually–but even I have to jump for joy and praise the Lord God Almighty up above that Michele “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann is not going to seek re-election in the House of Representatives next year. After six long years of insanity and claptrap extraordinaire, it appears that Bachmann — the Tea Party’s sweetheart — is being forced off the stage. She claims in the video she posted to her Facebook page that it has nothing to do with the ongoing ethics investigation into her 2012 presidential campaign, but well, when’s the last time Michele Bachmann was truthful about anything.
Still, I didn’t want Michele and I to part on bad terms, so I came up with this list of post-congressional careers that she can pursue. I didn’t want her being bored after next year’s mid-terms.
#5. Department Store Mannequin
Clearly a job where she has to speak words and sentences that make sense is not Bachmann’s strong suit. As a mannequin in a department store, she’ll need to remain completely still and quiet all day long. As an added bonus, she’ll also not be required to think, though that won’t be a change from her current occupation at all.
#4. One Of Those Arrow Signs People Twirl Around To Get You To Check Out Their Business
You’ve seen them, I’m sure. Young kids getting paid minimum wage to stand out on a street corner, listen to some tunes on their iPod, and spin a big arrow sign in the direction of a business or an open house. Now, Michele frankly doesn’t have the gray matter to be the one twirling the sign, but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t do a bang-up job as the sign itself, does it?
#3. A Rock
How many rocks do we have in this country now? A few billion? A few trillion? Who really knows? But let’s face it, we can always use another rock, and this is one job Michele is completely qualified for.
#2. A Payphone
You know how infrequently you see a payphone on the streets anymore? They’ve completely vanished thanks to cell phones. Sure, you may see one every now and then, but it always makes you say, “Holy shit! A payphone!” Now, imagine if Michele Bachmann were seen as infrequently as a payphone. You could live with that, right?
#1. Anything Except a Member of The United States Congress
Honestly, this is the point. She’s gone after next year. She’s a lame-duck representative. That doesn’t mean that I hold out much hope of her flipping on immigration or background checks. She’s not that nice a person I don’t think. However, the fact remains that one of the biggest blights on the American political scene is going to be reduced to a Sarah Palin-like role. She’ll come out at conventions, appear on TV talking head shows and say some outlandish and stupid things. That part won’t change. Thankfully what is going to change is that she doesn’t get to write or vote on any legislation based on those idiotic, outlandish and stupid things.
Take a deep breath, America, we dodged one there. Think we can get Louie Gohmert to run for president in 2016?