The lovable bunch of miscreants known as the NRA’s executive board are at it again. This time, they’ve compiled a new list of groups and people they consider to be enemies of the Second Amendment. Now, none of us should be surprised in the least that the gun manufacturing lobby’s most staunch and fundamentalist of allies would have such a list — after all their job isn’t about protecting the Second’s right to bear arms. Their job is to protect the profit margins of the companies they represent.
What makes this new list of enemies of the NRA’s so uniquely hilarious is that they’re tying the fight to get led out of bullets to a push for disarmament. “Anti-lead ammunition groups will not rest until all lead ammunition, and ultimately hunting, is banned,” the NRA said last Friday via press release.Yes, you heard it right, environmentalists and scientists are coming to take your guns by way of trying to prevent lead-poisoning in our soil and water supplies. A new low-point in the NRA’s stupidity has surely been found, but what’s even more amazing are these five other “enemies” that the NRA will announce in the next few weeks.
Special thanks to our NRA-insider Orlando Calrissian for this exclusive story!
#5. G.I. Joe — A Real American Hero
The NRA is fuming mad at the fact that for years and years G.I. Joe, America’s highly trained special mission force, has been using a weapon technology that doesn’t even use bullets at all. As best we can tell it’s some kind of inaccurate laser beam system that only does damage to vehicles, and completely misses human beings altogether. With their new-found hatred of anyone who doesn’t fully embrace lead bullets, the NRA is set to go on the offensive against Duke, Snake Eyes, and the rest.
#4. Led Zeppelin
Apparently Grover Norquist, member of the NRA board, is beside himself at the fact that the venerable rock band dared to use a play on words in naming their band. “Puns in band names are as anti-American as Kenyan birth certificates,” said Tommy Gunn, a rank and file member of the NRA for forty years. “Obviously those jerks in Zep are anti-gun, libtards from Hollywood, or they’d have used the word “Lead,” sending a subliminal message to all their fans to buy guns for the upcoming overthrow of our tyrannical government!” Gunn then sped off on his Rascal scooter, dragging his “Obama = Hitler” sign behind him.
Once again confused by the lack of the letter “A” in a place where the word “lead” could be spelled, Wayne LaPierre said in a phone call with The Dallas Gazette, “Obviously Santa Claus and the light manufacturers of the world have gotten together with President Obama to send jack-booted thugs to all the homes in America and force them to use these new LED lights under the auspices that they’re better for the environment and are much brighter to boot. But we all know the real message here is “Guns are for poopy heads.”
#2. Coors Light Beer
They call it “The Silver Bullet,” and that’s more than enough to get the NRA board members hopping mad at Coors Light Beer. “First of all, the mountains turn blue when the beer is ready. So obviously Coors is biased against red states, and since red states are more pro-gun than blue states, that shows Coors hates guns,” said LaPierre. “Also, they’re not called ‘The Lead Bullet’ so Coors Light is obviously anti-gun propaganda.”
#1. Common Sense and Decency
If there is ever going to be the kind of lawless anarchy that leads to every single person carrying at least four guns at all time, the NRA has to disabuse the 90% of Americans who support extended background checks of their attachment to common sense. Sure, it’s totally logical to keep guns away from violent and sexual offenders as well as terrorists, but if we don’t keep our populace genuinely terrified of the other guy with the gun, gun ownership might continue to drop. And the NRA simply cannot have that.