It’s December in America, a time of cherished traditions and warm familiar rituals. A time of family and friends gathering to enjoy abundant food and good cheer. Trees getting decorated and lights being hung. Children making lists with empty promises of good behavior. A time for pretending to like your awful co-workers. A festive season of crazed commuters, crass commercialism, and canned carols in every store. A time to post drunken Santa memes on Facebook. It is also the time for that most entertaining of all American yuletide traditions: The conservative outrage over secular liberal Muslim Marxist Kenyan socialist America’s WAR ON CHRISTMAS!
You know how this goes. Every year, Bill O’Claus and his elves at the Fox News workshop deliver a sleigh full of manufactured horror stories, wrapped up as evidence of some cultural conspiracy against Christmas. Nothing less than its total elimination from the calendar will do for the liberal forces of evil!
Those of us who believe in a sanity clause know better. The ‘War on Christmas’ is just the usual divide-and-conquer cultural propaganda noise. It feeds into the conservative fetish of being the beleaguered minority, where the P.C. Police lurk around every corner, waiting to snatch Baby Jesus from his plastic manger and replacing him with a Barack Obama action figure.
When we were kids, it was fun to believe in Santa Claus. Who wouldn’t want a magical fat man breaking into your house late at night and scattering Chinese toys everywhere? But one day we grow older and find out he is just a mascot for a soft drink. It’s okay, though. Christmas remains, and Santa lives on inside us. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus — but there is not a War on Christmas. Here are ten reasons that prove Christmas prevails:
10. Christmas is a federal holiday, and always will be.
There are no plans underfoot to change this. Even the most ardent church-state separatists accept Christmas as a holiday that transcends the Christian faith, and is universal with its messages of peace and hope. Plus, Americans love a day off. Especially when that day off involves presents and booze.
9. Radio stations devote entire formats to never-ending Christmas music.
Whether you listen to old-school FM radio, satellite stations, or stream online, you can get your Christmas groove on from about every broadcast direction. Most stations start right after Halloween. Which brings us to…
8. Christmas ate your Thanksgiving turkey, and now it wants your bowl of Halloween candy.
Anyone born before 1970 remembers when the day after Thanksgiving was called “the day after Thanksgiving”. Sure, it was a big shopping day. Stores expected large crowds, offered great discounts, and they did it without opening before 8AM. No stampedes. No shootings. No stabbings. Stores didn’t put up their decorations until this day, and you never saw a Christmas ad on television until it was time for pumpkin pie. Gradually, beginning in the ’80s, the creep began. Ads started to run the weekend before Thanksgiving. Then before Veterans Day. The “day after Thanksgiving” became Black Friday. This year, more stores than ever opened on Thanksgiving. What was once a strictly one-month consumer orgy is now a two-month behemoth that starts several days before Halloween. Christmas has declared a War on Halloween and Thanksgiving. It won.
7. Your lawn decorations are safe from the ACLU.
A great source of outrage addiction on Fox News is the stories of the ACLU going after city halls, courthouses, and other public places, seeking the removal of nativity creches. Conservatives see this as a “secular assault on traditional Judeo-Christian values”. This country was founded by Jesus himself, wearing a tri-cornered hat and singing Yankee Doodle, so if the liberal atheists don’t like it, they can kiss Ann Coulter on her mistletoe! The fact is, these incidents are rare, and the reason they are successfully prosecuted is because of the first amendment’s establishment clause. The same amendment guarantees religious freedom too, which means you can put all the nativity scenes you want on your own lawn. Even the tacky one of Santa praying over Baby Jesus.
6. Sarah Palin can’t even make money from it anymore.
Tea Party America’s favorite grifter just released her latest pile of fetid poo, called ‘Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas’ — a desperate move to get a piece of that War on Christmas action. Amazon ranked it #435 in sales. On Black Friday.
5. Christmas albums are enormous sellers.
Holiday albums have always been a reliable money-grab for veteran artists and newcomers alike. How popular is Christmas music? For decades, Bing Crosby’s version of “White Christmas” was the best-selling single in U.S. history, regardless of category. Note to Sarah Palin: Even has-beens in the music world can sell Christmas albums. Take a hint. No, not that kind of “White Christmas”.
4. We have a National Christmas Tree.
It’s located near the nexus of socialist evil itself, the White House. Every year since 1923, crowds have gathered on the Ellipse to watch the lighting ceremony. This year, President Obama will paint the tree red, decorate it with old Soviet flags, and place a Baphomet Pentagram on top. Instead of carols, Hollywood Marxists will sing ‘The Internationale’ while the Obamacare Youth Corps rounds up detainees for “Happy Holiday FEMA Camps” in Benghazi.
3. ABC Family still runs their $!#@%&!!$! “25 Days of Christmas” programs every year.
Seriously. They run the requisite classics, like “Christmas Vacation”, but the commercials and editing make all of it unwatchable. It must get ratings though, because it has more staying power than your grandmother’s fruitcake. At least they have the good taste to keep it confined to December. I dread the day it becomes the “100 Days of Christmas”. If #8 is any indication, hold out for next year.
2. Christmas in July.
What was once a tongue-in-cheek summer observance has now become a marketing juggernaut, spawning sales and giving TV Land a reason to show sitcom Christmas episodes in the summer. Christmas now touches five months of the year: July, October, November, December, and January (Orthodox Christmas). Will August and September be next to fall under its grasp?
1. 93% of Americans celebrate Christmas.
Not long ago, Gallup conducted a poll about Christmas, finding that 81% of Americans self-identify as Christians, with 13% of Americans identifying as None/Atheist/Agnostic. Americans who observe Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, and other religions round out the remaining 6%. It’s apparent that segments of all the non-Christian categories celebrate the holiday in some capacity. The 7% who do not celebrate most likely just want to be left alone. If there were to be any Anti-Christmas Warriors, they would be crushed under the enormous cultural and commercial weight the holiday carries. As John Lennon might have said, Christmas is more popular than Jesus.